The Most Disgusting Thing I’ve Ever Done or How to Stop Someone from Stealing Your Newspaper.

During my final year in Va Beach, I lived with one of the greatest guys ever, Dave. It should be known that I’m always a sucker for kids selling stuff for their school. Whether it’s magazines, candy bars, or newspaper subscriptions, I usually end up being suckered in. I had recently been suckered in to purchasing a useless newspaper subscription to the worthless Virginia Beach Pilot.

A short time after the newspaper subscription began they started vanishing. I called the newspaper to make certain they were delivered. They confirmed that I was still receiving the paper. Obviously, somebody was stealing my newspaper. Dave and I suspected that it was the next door neighbor. To catch the thief Dave setup a video camera. Yes, I realize this is a lot to go through over a newspaper I rarely read but I paid for it dammit.

Anyway, the next morning we checked the videotape and sure enough it was our next door neighbor. Dave politely went next door and asked for the newspaper back. We got all of it back except for the sport’s page. Bastard. With the confrontation I thought the situation was put to rest. I was wrong.

The guy kept stealing our paper no matter how many times we confronted him. During every confrontation the jackass kept playing dumb. After the umpteenth theft, I finally snapped. After closing Papa John’s, I stayed up all night till the newspaper was delivered. I brought the newspaper in, removed it from its plastic baggy, and put an old newspaper in its place. Inside the sports section of the old newspaper I placed a piece of note. On that note I wrote: “I Peed On This! Stop stealing my newspaper!” I then proceeded to make certain the note wasn’t an idle threat. That morning I watched with glee as the neighbor snuck over and stole our newspaper. I’m not proud of this even if it did bring me some satisfactory revenge. I admit it was immature, but he wouldn’t stop stealing my newspaper. An extreme course of action was needed because he wouldn’t listen. I refused to think Judge Wapner was a possible solution. And you know what? It worked. He never stole our newspaper again. Of course this meant I had to set my alarm to 5am, so our neighbor wouldn’t return the favor.