Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Dear Crazy Science People,

I mean this only as constructive criticism, but you guys have dropped the ball. (This is a sports reference for not coming through or failing in case you didn't know.) It seems you are focusing on inventing the wrong things. You are using your own mind to come up with ideas that will benefit society, when the blueprint has already been laid out. That blueprint is Star Trek. I'm not Trekkie but I've seen my share of episodes. Can I say I think their technology rules. Who needs stupid flying cars, when teleportation could be the gold standard? Why are you even wasting time with Segways? Segways? How much closer to teleportation could we be if you didn't waste your time on the Segway? Teleportation could solve such problems as pollution, mail system, and holiday traffic. No more worrying if taking that new job would mean moving away from family. Friends will always be a teleport away. Did you forget your toothbrush? Just teleport back and grab it.

Also, can we get started on the healing lasers already? It's bad enough we still don't have a device the size of battery to wave around and find out what ailments we have. Where's the laser that can heal burns and broken bones in seconds? Do you for some reason think we don't need this? Are you scared to put surgeons out of business? It's called progress. I don't trust my doctor but I'll trust some magic wand.

Finally I want to bring up the food replicator. I'm truly surprised you inventors haven't concocted this device yet. Seems to me a machine that creates any food you want would solve a lot of the world's hunger issues. Personally, I would like to never have to leave the house, yet still have great food whenever I want it. I would also like it programmed to create foods exactly like restaurants. For example, I should have the ability to order Roscoe's Chicken and Waffles. Formulas should also be available. The Mexico version of Pepsi should be available. Not that I'd order it but if I wanted to I should be able to. I realize this would put a cramp on the farming business. The answer to this is that no replicated food would be such an exotic delicacy that celebs would pay top dollar to eat "real" rice or corn. This way farmer's would need less land and less work to make a fortune. This would also raise the popularity on anyone who could cook even the slightest bit.

There are plenty more things you inventors could be wracking your brain over, but I put these as the top three. Now get inventing. I don't want to die without ordering from a food replicator.



Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Because It's Understood

As of 5:54pm today, it was confirmed that I will be moving in a months time to the wonderful town of El Segundo. No more hour long searches for a parking space. No more fire hazard by plugging twenty plugs into a two prong outlet. No more having my computer desk in the kitchen. No more driving on the freeway to get to work. No more street people. No more pipe bombs across the street.

I will miss you dirty pretty girl who keeps offering me weed. I will miss quiet French girl. You accent hypnotized me. I will miss you Dave Baldwin look alike. At some point I hope you can come in sober. I will miss you Pizza Place across the street. You made my unwillingness to give up my parking spot mean I didn't have to go hungry. Your house specialty sandwich is one of the greatest sandwiches ever. Ditto to you Thai eatery that I still can't remember your name. I will miss you Gong's Market. But I will not miss you that much. (Except maybe the House Special sandwich. It's fantastic!)

You see I'm moving on to a better place. Not only is it better area, but I will once again be neighbor's with this guy. To make things even better, I will also have Megan and her husband Eric as neighbors. Which means one great thing...brownies, brownies, brownies!

Sunday, September 24, 2006


First things first, I got back from seeing the Black Dahlia. Please avoid this movie. De Palma should be blamed for most of it, but I think some of the blame for this crapfest falls on the guy who adapted a great book into an incoherent mess of a movie. Twice a friend called during the movie and both times I considered walking out and taking the call.

For the last two weeks work has kicked my ass to the curb. I'm exhausted and all I've done is sit at a computer and make phone calls. Usually, it averages out to a few questions a day. Some days will be a little heavy on the research, and some days I won't have a single question. These two weeks it's been research question after research question. It's been so constant I've actually had to delegate some of it out to others. It's been not only pain in the ass hypothetical research, but the kind that gets you entered into the FBI watch list. When I cold call five companies asking how you would siphon jet fuel from a pipeline, I wouldn't be surprised if I was reported to some FBI database. I don't even know why I thought I could sweet talk one of them into giving me an answer. Do the FBI offer bail?

I also had to do a little research on lowriders. After the "Esez!" script, I thought I was finished with lowriders. I was embarrassed I knew most of the answers off the top of my head. That information is taking up some valuable real estate in my memory banks.

Mr. Petty was right. The waiting is the hardest part. Like waiting to see if you get the apartment that is only five minutes from work.

One of the things that irks me about the whole getting kicked out of the Garden of Eden is that we have to wear clothes. Because if I didn't have to wear clothes than I wouldn't have to always do laundry.

There is a report that the Florida Marlins are going to fire their manager, Joe Girardi, after this season is up. I don't know why since he took a bunch of rookies, and had them playing above their heads the last half of the season. I don't want to go into why the Marlins would fire a Manager of the Year candidate. I want to talk about Girardi possibly being hired by the Cubs for next season. Baker's gone on Oct. 2nd, and there's going to be ton of pressure by Chicagoans for the Cubs to hire Girardi. He's a Chicagoan himself and had two stints playing for the Cubs. I have no doubt that Girardi is a fine manager. My point is the players coming up in the Marlins system are clearly better players and better prepared to make the jump to the big leagues than the Cubs young players. Girardi deserves some of that credit, but doesn't the scouts and those who develop the players in the minor leagues deserve a lot of the credit. I think the Cubs problems is deeper than the manager and a couple pitchers who can't stay healthy. The Cubs have drafted top tier talent. They apparently can't develop them like the Marlins can.

It's taken awhile but there are more and more hacks becoming available for the Blogger Beta. One of them is employed above as I've moved my labels up to the top in the form of tabs. You can find the hack here. I suggest using the tweak at the end of the post too if you have a lot of labels. The tweak allows you to select which labels you want to show. Unfortunately, this requires going back and adding a period after every label you don't want to use. My first time through I thought the period was for the ones you wanted to include, so I had to go back and redo everything. Those with a site tracker might have noticed that every time you post you get two to three people trying to put spam in your comments. That's what the word verification is for. Well, reposting all 395 posts twice has rocketed my visit count. I apparently now average 48 visits a day rather than the previous 18.

I've also tried to find a decent "recent comments" hack that doesn't require me going through another blog and a second e-mail address. So I'm stuck just using the consistently inconsistent blogger comments feed. That's why the first comment is from a post back in August. If anyone finds a decent hack let me know.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

Self Revelation #573

I don't like the word succulent.

Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Don't Anger the Board!

1. Dominic (Dodger Fan) puts a Cubs cursed picture on the board - The Dodgers lose after the Cubs give them a seven run cushion.

2. Dominic removes picture - Dodgers win

3. Dominic puts the 1969 picture of the black cat at Shea Stadium - Dodgers lose again in late innings.

4. Dominic puts a picture of his Miami Dolphins on the board - My Bills shut out his Dolphins at Miami.

5. Dominic removes picture - Dodgers beat Padres by hitting back to back to back to back home runs in the ninth.

Don't Anger the Board.

Speaking of Phone Calls

I have an issue with calling people. If I need to coordinate something or I have a question, there's no problem. I just have a difficult time being the person that calls just to talk. The thing is hate to be that person that interrupts. That's why I stand there listening to people to talk at parties never interjecting anything. It has been ingrained in me somehow to never interrupt...ever. The only time I usually interrupt is if I'm drunk and I don't drink anymore. This is also applied to phone conversations. I don't want to be the guy that calls and interrupts the meeting, or a phone call with your mom, or a romantic dinner with the wife. That's why I wait for people to call me. I'll be honest, I'm usually never doing anything that exciting or important enough that I can't take a phone call. I don't have kids. I'm not married. I have no commitments. Besides, the best time to talk is when you want to talk. So, don't think I don't care. Perhaps, I care too much...about how people perceive me.

Monday, September 18, 2006

I'm Back!

After a disappointing season last year in the office football pool, I'm back. I dominated this week with a 14-2 record. I was actually kicking myself for the two games I missed, because those were the two I changed when I reviewed my picks. Not only does this fatten my wallet a little, but puts me in the running for the year end pool. This is the year. Unless I let this all go to my head and tank the rest of the year.

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Please People!

I know it's early but can we strike the phrase "bringing sexy back" from our pop culture vernacular? I see where this is going, and I would like to end it now. Nobody and nothing is bringing sexy back.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


This is what happens when I read: nothing. I don't play video games. I don't blog. Nothing. A book tends to take over my life when I read it. I honestly considered calling in sick today so I could finish the book. This is one of the reasons I don't read books often. The other is that I read so much during work that I get a little exhausted putting letters together to form words which then form sentences. Anyway, I highly recommend The Boy Detective Fails by Joe Meno. It's a little mix of Encyclopedia Brown, Royal Tenenbaums, and Eternal Sunshine. It even has a cutout decoder so you can help the boy detective.

I wish some people at work would realize there is a difference between fear and respect when it comes to how you treat someone.

Speaking of work, I'm often asked what my educational background is that prepared me to be a researcher for TV. Here's what you need to do: Barely pass high school chemistry, study up to Algebra II in high school and no higher, get a D in Biology at the college of your choice, and take basic Algebra at the same college. If you can somehow manage all that, you too can research such things as atomic absorption spectrology of tannins in leather. Clearly, I've been bluffing my way through three years on this job.

My fantasy baseball team's lead has dropped from 20 to 6.5. I hope I pull a '05 White Sox and not a '69 Cubs.

On the other hand, the Cubs are currently 58-88. They have to lose 12 of the last 16 games to reach 100 losses. It's completely possible the Cubs could pull that off. I'm almost hoping they do. The Cubs committed 6 errors last night and were down 7 runs and still won the game. That clearly wasted any good karma the Cubs had left this season.

I have been slightly tempted by the 8GB Nano.

I'm very hesitantly excited about the movie "The Black Dahlia." It's adapted from a James Ellroy novel that is definitely in my Top Ten all time favorite books. Ellroy is also in my Top Five of authors. It has a solid cast. I don't even mind Josh Hartnett because he kind of fits the character he plays. Visually it looks good. Then you get to the director, De Palma. When the commercials advertise that this movie is from the director that brought you "Scarface," that's not a good sign. That movie is 23 years old, and you haven't done anything else of note? Please don't suck. Please don't suck.

Who knew Star Wars and Legos would make such an enjoyable video game?

Is it completely absurd that I've seriously considered hiring a maid to clean my studio apartment once a month? Yes, I believe it is.

It turns out the HBO documentary on the Cubs woes is going to be narrated by Dennis Farina. That is so much better than the Red Sox doc being narrated by Ben Affleck, isn't it? Come on! Crime Story, Midnight Run, Out of Sight, etc. The guy was even a real Chicago cop before he became an actor.

It's recently come to my attention that I have cornered the market on slightly inebriated and desperate women in their mid-thirties. One other stipulation is that it must be the first time we've met. From college on the women the meet that criteria have been drawn to me much like a moth to a flame. Unfortunately, they are usually sober the second time I meet them.

A little over fifteen years ago, I once sneezed, belched, and passed gas at the exact same time. It's the most harrowing experience in my life. I'm amazed to this day that I'm still alive.

This seems like a good time to stop.

Saturday, September 09, 2006

If It Wasn't For the Buckeyes I Would Have No Idea What Winning Feels Like.

The only thing that would've made tonight's win better was if some player clocked this guy while he was jumping around on the sidelines.I like that he moved from the sky box to the field when Texas was down like he was going to inspire the team. I imagine what they were really thinking is: "I should move. I could test postive just from being near this guy."

Friday, September 08, 2006

A Slight Change in Plans

It seems that I will not be attending lucha VA VOOOOOOM this October. Yes, I was excited, and some might say giddy. It seems something else has arisen to take its place. Oct. 25 the Twilight Singers will be at the House of Blues. For the second time this year the Twilight Singers have performed at the same time as Lucha Va Voom. Anyway, Dulli will always beat out Masked Mexican Wrestling. I'm just hoping they perhaps play one of the new Afghan Whigs songs they will be recording for the retrospective. I can't believe they are getting back together to record new songs. Even though it's only two, it's awesome! If you are in town and want to go to the concert let me know.

Please Don't Call Me at the Following Times on Saturday:

9:00-10:50am* - My Tottenham Hotspurs will be playing league leader Manchester United. Spurs are currently 1-2, and were shutout in their two losses by teams they shouldn't have lost to. Now they are playing one of the powerhouses who are 3-0. Not good. Also, not good is that Spurs will be playing without there recently signed striker, Berbatov, who is out with a groin injury. The good is that team captain, Ledley King, will be in action after missing the first three games of the season. There is more to be happy about though, as the Spurs brought back striker Mido, and added fullback Chimbonda at the transfer deadline. It's been two weeks with no Spurs matches, and I've been going through withdrawal. I also get to wear my new shirt, since King is coming back.

5:00-9:00pm* - My The Ohio State Buckeyes (currently ranked #1) go to Austin to play the Texas Longhorns (currently ranked #2). To say I'm absolutely confident that the Buckeyes will walk out with a win, would be a lie. In fact, I'm so nervous about this game I'm not saying anything else.

Feel free to call me anytime between then. Just don't call my home phone because I never answer that.


Thursday, September 07, 2006

Does This Look Like Someone Who Would Sell You Crystal Meth?

Apparently, the guy who just rode by my apartment thinks so. Did I mention how much I love my neighborhood? The best was when he was honestly shocked that I didn't sell crystal meth, and sped off as quick as he could on his bike. Wheeee!

Bits O' Music

That's right kids! I dusted off the old Bits O' Music segment. Fortunately, the American Single segments will stay buried.

You might be asking why I would dust off such an old segment. First off, thank you for asking. Secondly, the reason is I received a package today from Sweden. You might have remembered me posting a video almost four weeks ago showing a group of Swedes singing about bringing us love. Well, that Monday I placed an order to Sweden for I'm From Barcelona's "Let Me Introduce My Friends." Twenty-four days later I found the CD in my mailbox. I put the CD in my player around 9 and I've been listening to it since.

I'm From Barcelona is more than just a collective of art school Swedes goofing around. Ok it kind of is, but they've also written 11 brilliant indie pop songs. Actually, they've written twelve because even the hidden track is great. Using every instrument they could get their hands on, IFB have created orchestral pop songs for everyone to sing along to. This is the kind of album that is made to brighten those Monday mornings or to celebrate those lazy weekends with your close friends. With only one song truly exceeding the three minute pop song curfew, the sweetness never overstays it welcome.

I was debating what song to post because they are all worthy. Do I go with the joys of stamp collecting or "Oversleeping?" Maybe the hand clap and piano bounce of "Rec & Play" is the way to go? Well, I decided on "Chicken Pox." Why? Because associating the childhood illness of chickenpox with being in love is pretty genius. I also like the sad little clarinet in the song and the whistling. I also linked to their myspace page that has other songs and their videos. I also linked to a store on this continent that sells the album. Enjoy and smile.

I'm From Barcelona-Chicken Pox-let me introduce my friends

I'm From Barcelona's myspace page.

Buy the album here, and not have to wait nearly a month to get it.

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

They Will All Soon Be Under My Control

Look who's joined the blog family now. Mandy, has officially joined the rest of us. That leaves one sister and one brother left. Soon though they will be like the rest of us...the rest of us...the rest of us.

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

It's That Time Again Kids!

The one thing you should take from this poster (other than the bats with luchador masks) is "All Mini Battle Royale!"

My reaction:

Allow Me To Be An Ass

Things that were confirmed or a little more realized during Labor Day weekend.

If you don't have a "quiet voice," I already don't like you.

If you wear those dark reflective sunglasses, I have already assumed we aren't going to get along.

If you also have one of those goofy strings so you can dangle the sunglasses from your neck...I really...I just don't have the words.

If you have all of the above, please don't talk to me...ever.

Just because there is a musical instrument (guitar, piano) at some one's party, it does not mean you have the right to play it. Nobody cares that you can play. The music you are trying to play over is there for a reason.

When someone says you can invite someone they do not mean ten someones.

Please make sure you understand the conversation that is taking place before interjecting with what you consider is a valid point. Actually, don't interject until you are brought into the conversation. Please. I beg you. I'm old. I get tired of rolling my eyes.

Arguments against colorization and "formatted for your TV" should never ever take place. We as a society are past that. Those that still don't understand will never understand. We just need to accept that.

Just because someone likes the Cubs it doesn't mean we are going to be best buds. In fact I'm pretty sure I dislike half of the Cubs fans out there.

Really, do you not hear how loud you are? Do you have a hearing problem? Have you actually gone through life never having to whisper or lower your voice? Have you never been to a library? You completely baffle me.

OK, I feel better now.