Hey Everybody I Wanted To Say I Love You All Just In Case The World Ends Tomorrow or Aliens Take Over

So tomorrow they are apparently turning on something called a Large Hadron Collider. This whole accelerating particles and colliding them is beyond my expertise, though I'm sure I'll to research it for a CSI: Miami epsiode next month. That is if we are still alive by then.

I've seen Buckaroo Banzai and played the Half-Life series. I know what happens when scientists start messing around with particles and collision. Some say we will all die tomorrow because the Large Hadron Collider will create a black hole that will destroy earth and the whole galaxy. Which I guess is kind of likely. But scientists know a bit about black holes, and I think they would know if they are going to create one. Apparently they want to create something called a "God particle." That doesn't scream doomsday does it? Still I'm betting it will create a portal to another dimension through which aliens will access to either enslave us or make us an alternate food source. You see scientists don't know anything about portals to other dimensions. How would they know if they were going to create one or not?

So, be prepared. Make quick friends with that strange neighbor who you know has a bomb shelter and keeps bragging about the guns he's collected. Don't throw out that cheese in the back of your fridge. That mold could be used to create a biological weapon against the alien forces. Heck don't throw out anything with mold on it. I'm currently trying to find someone that owns a boat in case the aliens dissolve in water ala Alien Nation. That's probably our best hope right now. Maybe they can't process oxygen, or they can't handle cold temperatures?

Anyway, in case we end up with a worse case situation tomorrow, I just wanted to say I love you all. Come on! Look at that thing! I don't care what they say. We are soooo doomed.

The Time It Took ...

to regret wasting my time watching the last season of Sopranos: 1 hour 2 minutes and 59 seconds.

to become exhausted by John from Cincinnati: 24 minutes and 16 seconds.

to decide I was going to buy Blitzen Trapper's new album: 34 seconds into the song Wild Mountain Nation.

to forget Ocean's 13: 0000.1 seconds. Has there ever been a movie franchise that while fun to watch has absolutely no lasting effect?

for the home plate umpire in last night's Cubs/Braves game to screw over the Cubs and completely tax the bullpen: 10 pitches. If Lilly meant to hit Renteria, why did he wait till the third pitch in the sequence?

Physical Therapy and Complications

So I'm back from Santa Fe. At this point I could write about a lot of things. I could write about the trip, but Mandy and Ben K. have already done a fine job with that. I will mention one thing that they haven't: Body Odor. Apparently, every fifth person in that town only bathes once a month. It was like clockwork how often you would be just walking and get that pungent whiff of rotten eggs sitting in dirty socks. Damn hippies. Also, did you know that around Montezuma's castle there a squirrels that carry the bubonic plague. I didn't either, but there were signs every where warning Mandy and me of that fact. How is this not a statewide health concern? Why hasn't a movie been made about a squirrel fleeing the area and infecting people all across the US. Couldn't you see Bruce Willis yelling, "I don't care what you say sir! I'm finding that damn squirrel!" Cut to an extreme close up of the squirrels eye. In the reflection you can see children on swings. Practically writes itself. I could also do a recap of the American Idol finale, but we all knew Jordin would win. I guess I could have ranted on how the producers fixed this thing so she would win. I could go on about the ridiculous awards that were given out to the odd people that tried out...OK I will. Why did those people even show up to accept the award? Here is a national show that is giving out an award to contestants that made them laugh because they were deemed freaks, and you gladly accept the award? Are they that hard up to be famous? I could also write a little about the big finales of Lost and Heroes. But, some people are waiting a couple years to start watching it. I could write about baseball, but someone *COUGH* anne marie *COUGH* hates that I write about baseball. So, I'm going to write about the physical therapy that I have been attending. Some of this will be rehash for those who were in Santa Fe.

So I've been to the physical therapist three times so far for a twice a week for six weeks stint. To help with my back and hip, they show me some exercises, put the massaging electrodes on for a while, and then give me a hand massage. What's great is that it helps, and basically my insurance is paying for me to get a massage twice a week. The problem is that the doctor I was assigned to and two of the assistants range from cute to quite attractive. This leads to a few awkward moments. The obvious one is having one of the women massage my left buttock. Is it relaxing? Yes. Does it feel good? Yes. Is it still weird having a strange woman massaging my bare butt cheek while asking how my day is going? Hell yes. The other problem is the exercises. Today for example the doctor had me do ten pelvic curls. This means she sat there and just watched me do ten pelvic curls. It clearly feels like something I should be doing in the privacy of my own home. But it gets worse than that. She then had one her assistants show me a couple other exercises. One of them being the bridge which is basically a pelvic thrust while lying down. Apparently, that assistant is a little new to the game, so the other assistant came to help I guess. I now had two women watching me do the pelvic thrust for two sets of ten repetitions. Then the newer assistant asked what plans I had for the memorial day weekend. This had me thinking either she is just asking to make small talk to cover the awkward circumstance, or she's so used to working on old blubbery people that anyone slightly fit meets her criteria, or she liked how I did the pelvic thrust. This then got me thinking of how great it would be to date a physical therapist. Free professional massages! That puts that profession right up there with chef and billion dollar empire heiress for me. Too bad I don't like people touching me.

You Suck America!

There's no reason you should have sent Bobblehead home. You are all morons.

American Idol Recap (Triple Threat Edition)

I'll be honest. I'm done with this. I was thinking of excuses to stop doing these, but I'm not a quitter. I will see this to the end.

So tonight is all about the number three. Three contestants left and they will each sing three songs. One the judges will pick, another the producers will pick, and finally the contestants themselves will pick one. This is clearly retaliation for CCM's ridiculous song selections. The people in charge are tired of this, and need to have control so Jordin can win.

Speaking of Jordin, she is up first singing-Wait. Jordin was apparently in Arizona, and the mayor reads a fax from Simon with the he wants her to sing. I bet that took three takes at the least. Oh the song is Wishing on a Star. Simon didn't like the arrangement. This whole gimmick is wheels off. I would like to point out that the one judge who has the most influence was selected to pick for Jordin. Just thought I'd point that out.

Oh so I guess they each went to their home town and the mayor for each town gives them the song that the judges picked. Paula picked Roxanne by the Police for CCM. How many people think Paula really chose the song? Yeah that's what I thought. How is this a good singer's song? Maybe Paula did pick it? Anyway it got the same reaction as Jordin's song.

Time for Bobblehead to be given her song selection from the Governor of Tennessee. Randy has chosen I Believe in You and Me by Whitney "This is what happens when you do crack" Houston. Randy says he chose it to challenge Bobblehead. I say he chose it to get a residual check. So the judges think Bobblehead won the first round. I agree.

At this point, why don't they just have each contestant sing a whole song? Isn't that a good enough test instead of this chopped up two minute versions?

So the producer's choice for Jordin is Donna Summer's She Works Hard for the Money. This song is about hookers right? It's about not beating on the whore you just hired. All the judges liked this performance.

CCM once again with the producer's choice of Maroon 5 with This Love. Which is such an obvious selection that I'm surprised he hasn't sung it before. I guess at this point I can admit that I watched American Dreamz starring Hugh Grant and Mandy Moore the other not on cable. The only excuse I have is that it was in HD. Anyway, Jordin reminds me of the Mandy Moore character that I've come to now dislike Jordin even more. Is it fair? No. But I'm not longer buying into her cuteness. I think she's faking it. I would also like to give Seacrest props for his name dropping. It's much more subtle than Randy's. Randy just goes ahead and says he worked on this song or with this artist. Seacrest simply introduces CCM singing Adam and the gang's song... See just by saying the lead singer's first name he's indicated he and the band are tight. Don't under estimate Seacrest. He's slick. Everyone liked this one too.

Bobblehead wraps up the producer's selection round. Ike and Tina Turner's Nutbush City Limits. What? I understand picking a Tina Turner song. How about a song that people actually know? They are so trying to tank Bobblehead. Jordin gets one of the biggest disco songs of all time. CCM gets a top ten song released in this decade. Bobblehead gets Nutbush City Limits? She still nails it. The judges call it a tie this round. Randy though was leaning toward Bobblehead.

Jordin's personal selection is I Who Have Nothing. Man I love this song. Oh look Jordin has a star in the mall where she had her first job. By star I mean a piece of plastic that wouldn't survive a day in a mall. Why doesn't the band dress up? They all look like they have day jobs as night nurses. This is the number one show in a America and you let them dress like slobs? I don't get this Simon and his problem with people singing old songs. A good song is a good song. Jordin shows a little bit of her nasty side commenting on Simon's pick.

CCM ends his night with Robin Thicke's When I Get You Alone. Ah Sir Mix-A-Lot is rapping with CCM beatboxing. It will take a good few days to get that out of my dreams. Everyone liked it. Simon liked it the most out of the judges.


Bobblehead wraps up the night with I'm a Woman. They show Bobblehead is getting a street named after her. I think that sign is already in the trash. Out of all the contestants Bobblehead is the only one that could pull off this song. Simon says he'd put her in the final two. I'd just give it to her now. But we've all known this for the last month which is why I'm tired of this.

Tomorrow I predict that in a big surprise Jordin is going home.

Some TV Questions

Are we ever going to learn what Ma Petrelli's power is on Heroes? With Peter and Nathan both having abilities doesn't she then must have superpowers too? I mean other than being a super cold hearted bitch.

That leads to asking when are Nathan Petrelli's kids going to show their abilities?

Is Heroes partially responsible for Lost's recent turn around?

In case you haven't heard, they have actually set when the series Lost will end its run. Not a question, but I've been preaching that serial shows should have been doing this for years. Isn't it better to have five solid years of show that knows where it end and begins rather than a meandering six to seven seasons where they are forced to end it because of crappy ratings? There's the question.

Shouldn't CTU rethink their network security and its employees when their computer system is hacked twice in one day?

Also, why doesn't CTU move to a different location after being bombed, gassed, and invaded over the years?

Why would Tim Daly's character in Sopranos ever let a drunk Christopher into his apartment? Every time you let a sober Christopher in he'd either threaten to or actually beat the crap out of you. Now you let him in drunk?

How great is it that Ronnie is getting more face time on The Shield? I also love that they kept the stove top scars on his face.

Why do all the Rescue Me promos have Denis Leary fighting with himself when last season's cliff hanger was that he might have died in a fire? Another example of why making the audience question if the show's star is dead or not is the dumbest cliff hanger in TV.

Spiderman 3 (The Titan Review)

Finally got around to seeing Spiderman 3 Monday night, and since Jiff requested a review that is what he'll get. I'm all about pleasing my readers and giving them what they want. Sometimes you might not think you want it, but later on you'll thank me. Also, there are perhaps some spoilers in this, but I'm pretty sure none of them should be a surprise if you've seen the trailers or are familiar with the Spiderman story. Still, if you want to play it safe...

I imagine Spiderman 3 is a lot like dating three girls at the same time. All three girls are great, but because there are a limited numbers of hours in a day you can't spend as much time as you want with either of them. In Spiderman 3 there are three great villains but even in the near three hour running time there isn't enough time to spend with all of them. Sandman, Venom, and Harry/New Goblin are all characters that deserve their own movie. Cramming all three in a movie along with Peter Parker and MJ's romance troubles hasn't led to simply a lack of development but a bad script. At first we have Sandman an escaped convict that Peter learns is the person that actually killed his uncle. Sandman's daughter is used to show his sympathetic motivation, but then we never see her again. The movie then completely tosses aside his motivation to get to the final battle. Which is a shame because the birth of Sandman is fantastic along with a his first battle with Spiderman. A whole movie with just the Sandman would've resulted in a good movie about Peter learning the difference between being a vigilante and a superhero, and the difficulty of learning to handle the gray areas of life. Then we have Venom, the alien symbiote that melds with Peter Parker. Out of this merger Peter Parker gets a swanky new black Spiderman suit, enhanced abilities, and a more agressive nature. Because of the symbiote Peter Parker becomes more of a vigilante than a superhero. Besides a decent scene between Sandman and Spiderman, the symbiote's influence is revealed through a Saturday Night Fever montage and a dance number. Sigh. I did though like that when Peter Parker wore the symbiote suit he had an emo haircut. There is nothing that screams "I'm evil" like an emo haircut. Once we finally have the symbiote merge with Brock and then become Venom, the audience is simply then rushed to the finale. If the movie was simply about the sybiote's influence on Peter and the creation of Venom, then you have a whole movie on power corrupting and the poison of jealousy. It seems a waste to have a villain that knows everything about Spiderman and limit him to just the final battle. They could've done so much more on the symbiote's connection to Peter and the hatred it has for being tossed aside by Peter. Finally the whole Harry/New Goblin arc is a mess and completely mishandled. I can't too much into it without becoming spoiler heavy, but the final character turn for Harry in the movie is eye rollingly ridiculous. This whole mess lies in the fact that there is no singular theme to this movie. The first Spiderman was Peter Parker realizing the responsibility he has with his new powers. Spiderman 2 was Peter Parker accepting the life he has to live because of that responsibility. I don't what it is for Spiderman 3. There are two or three it might be, but there shouldn't be that question.

Now after trashing this movie let me still say I had fun watching it. There is still the enjoyment of watching the spectacle of Spiderman. The fight scenes are a blast. As I said before the creation of Sandman is probably my favorite scene in the movie. Once, Venom shows up you wish there was more. It's just not well written or constructed. It also doesn't help that Spiderman 2 is probably the perfect superhero movie.

American Idol Recap

Tonight is Barry Gibb night. Yes, I feel there should be an Indian Barry Gibb on Barry Gibb night. So it's all Barry Gibb songs which means Bee Gees and I'm assuming songs he's written or produced for other artists.

Before we get to Barry Gibb, I'd like to discuss an observation I made at the tail end of last weeks elimination episode. As I predicted, The Other Chris and Midnight Oil got the boot. The funny thing is that while The Other Chris was singing his farewell song, the camera cut to Jordin and the following events occurred. Jordin is smiling and watching The Other Chris sing. Jordin notices the camera is on her. Jordin immediately breaks out into tears. I marked Jordin off my list and am now fully behind Bobblehead. It perhaps seems a little cruel, but come on. Don't ever fake cry. I don't need to feel that you loved every other contestant on the show. Don't try to manipulate us. It completely irritated me, and caused me to jump from her bandwagon. Now back to Barry Gibb night.

Wow, Barry Gibb has got to shave. This is American Idol! Class it up a little Barry Gibb.

Bobblehead's first song is "Love You Inside and Out." At this point I would normally be concerned about with her doing falsetto, but she seems to always nail it. If she can pull of Bon Jovi, she can do anything. She does fine, but I think we are at the point where even though she is clearly a better singer than everyone else, we expect every performance to be knock your sox off good.

CCM is up with "You Should Be Dancing." He needs to go. I don't know why they keep giving him props for this. Randy thought the beat boxing didn't work. Paula says "Nobody, can do what he can do." Finally, they all trash him deservedly so.

Big Momma is up with the classic "Staying Alive." Man, everyone is sort of struggling with these songs. I think it's that these are dance songs. They all try to slow these songs down.

Jordin will be performing "To Love Somebody." Jordin has done the best so far tonight. Why is that? Because she did a ballad.

So that's it for tonight. I'm guessing it will be either- Oh wait. They are singing a second song. Hmm. Maybe next week I'll just plagarize someone else's recap. I'm getting burnt out on this. We all know it's going to be between Bobblehead and Jordin, so can't we kick them all off tonight?

Bobblehead's second song is "How Can You Mend a Broken Heart?" I think Bobblehead has picked the wrong songs this week. This does nothing for her. It doesn't show her off. It was better than the first song, but still...

CCM's second song is the less known "This Is Where I Came In." Stop this stupid beat boxing! This is the result of everyone loving that Bon Jovi butchering. Wrong song choice. This is a boring song. There's a reason it wasn't a hit. Simon agrees with me.

Judge Judy tries to take over the show.

Big Momma is going with the ballad "Run To Me." Everyone ends on the ballad.

Jordin closes it out with "Woman In Love." Jordin wusses out and does another ballad. It wasn't the best. They are really rushing the whole show. You'd think that they would finally figure out how to run this show by now.

So that's it. Another boring night. CCM or Big Momma will be going home tomorrow night.

Time to go see how much more of Griffith Park has burned. It can't be good when you can see the fire all the way from my apartment.

Some Questions

Have you seen Hot Fuzz yet?

Have you picked up Dinosaur Jr.'s new album Beyond? I was hesitant simply because it's basically a reunion album with Lou Barlow (Sebadoh, Folk Implosion) returning to the fold. It's no You're Living All Over Me, but it's really good. I still think J. Mascis is criminally ignored.



My follow up questions is: Why hasn't a Dinosaur Jr. song made it on any of the Guitar Hero games? I'd be happy playing the licks of "Feel the Pain."

How is it possible that the Cubs have scored 127 runs so far this season, have allowed their opponents to score only 98, and yet they are 12-14 and 5 1/2 games out of first place? That's a run differential of +29! Only the Mets and Red Sox have a better run differential. I hope this is simply and indicator that the Cubs have just had a little bad luck this month, and not that they are simply awful.

How am I going to make it another two weeks with just me and the boss in the office?

Remember when you used to be able to actually find deals on things worthwhile on ebay?

Why do I always scratch that itch?

When are they going to invent the machine that creates what my brain conceives? That way I could by pass my lack of talent and create exactly what I see in my head.

What happened to the MOL Nation?

If birds suddenly appeared every time I was near, wouldn't the girl actually be really creeped out or think I was in desperate need of a bath?

American Idol Recap (I've Written a Thousand Posts and I've Rocked About a Thrid of Them Edition)

Can I tell you how excited I am about tonight? I know I'm setting myself up for a big disappointment but this night could save this crappy season for me. Bon Jovi tonight on American Idol! Listen kids, there was a time back in 80's when you couldn't escape the music of Bon Jovi. It was everywhere. Back when MTV played music videos every fifth video would be Bon Jovi. I remember when we moved back to Ohio I'd take my portable black and white TV up to my room and watch Bon Jovi's "Living on a Prayer" video. I of course wore headphones because of the household band on rock n roll. Having just come out of Bob Jones this was the most rebellious thing I did. I know it's not cool to admit this, but I love me some old school Bon Jovi. I think the pinnacle of their career was their acoustic performance of "Wanted Dead or Alive" on the 1989 MTV Video Music Awards. Anyway, tonight Jon Bon Jovi is the contestants coach. I think the ladies are going to have a difficult time tonight. And two, count them, two contestants will be sent home tonight. With only six left aren't we at the point though that the guys just start getting voted off. None of the guys are even close to as good as the girls. I also hope that first of all only Bon Jovi songs between the years 1983 and 1989 are used. I really hope one of the contestants sing "Runaway." Tonight should wash out any bad taste that last weeks debacle had left.

Introductions are made. Voted off contestants are shown in the audience. How is that pleasurable for them? Kids everywhere are giggling at Jon Bon Jovi flying through the air and that hair. Trust me it was cool back in the day.

Just like the last few coaches Mr. Bon Jovi emphasizes making the song your own and telling the story of the song. I would like to point out that the ladies have been the only ones apparently listening to this advice.

Midnight Oil starts off the night with "Blaze of Glory" from the Young Guns 2 soundtrack. Suhweet. I would like to point seeing this movie with my father was one of the most uncomfortable moments of my childhood. Wanting to see the movie, I felt so guilty when the woman walks into the bar naked and they show her naked backside. I turned three shades of red. I'm betting Phil does well with this. I actually agree with Randy for once. He did do a Steve Perry version of the song. I don't thinking it was as bad as Simon is making it out to be. I don't think it will keep him around, but I think it makes it close.

Poor Gina. This would've been right up her alley.

Jordin let me tell you a little something. When meeting a rock star don't say "Oh my Mom is going to flip out. She got me into ya'll." There's nothing a rock star likes more than feeling like their audience is now all made up of Moms. Also, it makes me feel old. Jordin will be singing the classic "Living on a Prayer." Hmm. I don't know if she can do this. It seems a little flat. None of these singers can pull of that gravel voiced touch Kon Bon Jovi has. It wasn't her best performance. I think she could've picked a better song. I still think she's safe. She's too adorable. And she has the American Idol producers pulling for her.

Big Momma is up next. Seacrest asks Big Momma if she wants to sit down for the viewer's question segment. She say "No, I want the camera to get my slim side." She had what a whole to plan to say something and this is what she comes up with? I appreciate the pride in her being a big sexy woman, but we all know those jeans are the reason you ain't taking a seat. She will be singing "This Ain't A Love Song." Way to crush my first hope and singing a song from 1995. You know I'm going to give Jordin more props to sticking to the rock n roll even if it was outside her comfort zone. I feel Big Momma is cheating by taking a slow song and turning it R&B. Boo! Boo! Boo! More Rock! Boo! I'd like to point out that it seems to take Big Momma awhile to get going when she sings. She never starts off well, but always ends up strong.

Shit! CCM is apparently screwing around with the classic "You Give Love a Bad Name." This night is going completely down hill for me. How can he do this to "You Give Love a Bad Name?" It's your song Jon! Stop him! For the sake of us all! Stop him! He didn't stop him. Good grief kill me now. Don't give him credit for that shit! I hate you people. Stop encouraging this crap. This whole night is ruined for me. Sigh.

The Other Chris is up. I'm supposed to rely on this guy to save the night for me? He is doing "Wanted Dead or Alive," but his voice drives me up the wall. I was kind of hoping Bobblehead would've done this with her big voice. How do you not know the line "I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all." It's THE LINE in the song! That's the part every Bon Jovi fan waits for in this song. Well, I liked it better than CCM's butchering.

Really just kill me now. Bobblehead is closing with "Have a Nice Day." Come on! There's Runaway, Never Say Good Bye, Lay Your Hands on Me, Bad Medicine, Born to Be My Baby, and you choose Have a Nice Day? We are closing out Bon Jovi night with Have a Nice Day? Sigh. At least it is a rock song, and she isn't screwing with it. She's Tina Turnering it out. I'm not a fan of the - Holy shit! Emily Procter is there! Man she's adorable and sweet and sexy. I've worked five years on this show and I still turn into that 14 year old trying to talk to the hottest girl in school. I do nothing but babble incoherently. Anyway, Bobblehead did well as she always does. She did actually rock it out the most of all the contestants.

So, two go home tomorrow. Poor Jordin stumbled the most tonight, and I hope it doesn't hurt her. Last week's travesty should help with that. I think Phil and The Other Chris go home tomorrow. CCM, though, should be taken out back and shot.

Look People! I'm Never Going to Coachella! Never!

From January till around now I'm asked too many times to count if I will be going to the Coachella Music Festival. To those people the answer is no and will always be no forever and ever amen. I understand that you think my love for music would make me a shoo in to be a participant at Coachella, but you are wrong.

For those who perhaps don't know, Coachella is a three day event where around 100 artists perform on various stages. The artists range everywhere from Willie Nelson to The Roots to The Arctic Monkeys. It's a lot of decent to good bands and some crappy playing a lot of music. It's also a hell of a lot of people congregating in the desert where if you didn't know it is really hot. Why would I want to pay a crap load of money to hang out with a bunch a dirty sweaty people? I don't want to deal with that just to see a short set played by two maybe three bands that I really want to see. Give me small dark club with a hundred plus fans that really want to see one band instead of thousands of people in the high desert sun with the dust and sweat and the port-a-potties. I realize there are some of you that feel the need to congregate with a bunch of people and "feel the love and power of music." Well, I'm not one of them. So, I post this as a preemptive strike to those who might ask me later. I hate fake sharing your excitement for something that I would never do. Actually, you can add any outdoor festival to this post.

Those American Idol Bastards

What a way to end up a night of good will. After almost two hours of raising money for worthwhile charities and making me misty eyed, they screw it all up with a "shocking" ending. The shocking ending was that nobody got voted off, because how can they vote someone off on a night of charity. My question is how can they tease not only the audience but poor Jordin by making us all think she got voted off? I would like to think that they told all the contestants ahead of time, but Jordin's reaction was either great acting or they really screwed with her mind. She was clearly visibly shaken. I offer this though as a condolence to Jordin. At least we know who the American Idol big wigs now want to win: Jordin. An often cause for some good singers to get voted off is people don't vote for that person because they think that contestant is safe. With the stunt last night the American Idol big wigs just made sure that Jordin will get her votes. You could hear the audience gasp when The Other Chris was told he was safe leaving Jordin standing alone on the verge of tears. It was manipulative and uncalled for particularly on a night when Idol supposedly gives back. As for the rest of the show: Blah. I nearly barfed when the children singers all hugged that Groban guy after singing. I was suddenly wishing for Jarvis Cocker to come out and interrupt like he did when Michael Jackson came out with all those kids back at the 1996 Brit Awards. Also, how awful was the Celine Dion and Elvis duet? That was a bad idea back in 1991. The rest was blah, blah, blah.

American Idol Recap (How The Hell Am I Supposed To Make Jokes Edition?)

Tonight is part one of the Idol Gives Back week which makes me feel like I need to temper my sarcasm and jokes. I'm so going to be struggling with this tonight. Apparently 10 cents of each vote goes to a charity for the first 50 million votes. For those that struggle with math, Seacrest is kind enough to tell us that is 5 million dollars. Also, Bono will be the mentor. I know this is for charity, but would you ever picture Bono doing something like this 15 - 20 years ago? This isn't like Live Aid. This is a mediocre talent competition.

Anyway, we now get a video of Simon and Seacrest's trip to Africa. See, I would immediately make a joke here about the fact that they only sent the two white guys to Africa, but I can't because it's for charity. I feel handcuffed. See Simon and Seacrest are walking around seeing the inhumane conditions these people are living in. Simon and Seacrest are sitting in a shack talking to a 12 year old boy that takes care of his family because his parents are dead. What this reminds me of is the Ricky Gervais bit he did for the ONE charity.



Now I feel guilty. The video ends and now it's back to American Idol! How jarring is that? I'm all befuddled. Let's try to get through this.

The Other Chris kicks things off with Clapton's "Change the World." He does fine for having a voice that grates on my nerves. All the judges really liked it. I thought Bono was the mentor? Where's Bono. Simon states that the competition really begins now.

Before Bobblehead performs, we now get to see where in the US Idol will also be giving back to? Ah Randy went back to his home state of Louisiana. Paula went to mobile health unit? Simon and Seacrest go to Africa. Randy goes to New Orleans. Paula goes to a mobile health unit. Come one Paula! You can do better than that.

Here's Bobblehead with "There Will Come a Day" by Faith Hill. Oh, the songs choices tonight are songs of inspiration. Maybe Midnight Oil will do the theme song from Hair? I'm allowed to make bad bald jokes I'm bald..ing. Again, no Bono. They've finally figured out how to dress her. She's looked good that last few weeks. Oh yeah. She nailed the song. It seems a shame she probably won't win. Nobody can touch her vocally.

Back from the break, and CCM will be singing Lennon's "Imagine." Not exactly a singer's song. I guess I should point out that each contestant has said something sentimental about their song choice and how its message connects with Idol Gives Back. CCM whispers his way through, and I'm bored. He bores me. Hmm. Because he sang with sincerity he gets a pass. The judges can't even be critical because it's Idol Gives Back.

We now get to see Seacrest at a feed center in Africa. This is one of the things the money donated will help build.

Big Momma will be singing "I Believe" by Fantasia. Isn't Fantasia an Idol winner? Big Momma needs help in picking songs. There are better songs than this. You shouldn't be allowed to sing a song by a previous Idol winner. She gets bland marks from the judges.

Midnight Oil is solid for the second week in a row. He sings "The Change" by Garth Brooks.

Simon at a pantry, Second Harvest, that gives out food to those that need it in the US. Again, no Paula.

Jordin closes out the night with "You'll Never Walk Alone." Jordin keeps pace with Bobblehead with a solid performance. It's between Jordin and Bobblehead now with Jordin winning because she's cuter. Midnight Oil or The Other Chris are going home. Maybe Big Momma because I think people are tired of her and her divaness.

Tomorrow I guess Bono will be mentoring even though it's the show where they find out the votes? That makes no sense. What else makes no sense is that tomorrow's show will have a bunch of famous people singing for charity and then we crush the dreams of one of the contestants. Is that how they are formatting tomorrow? This Idol Gives Back should have been scheduled at the end of the competition. This night has totally thrown me off my game.

That Weekend Where Jennie and Inga Visit

As mentioned in the previous post, my sister Jennie and my niece Inga came to California for around ten days. There reason for coming is because Inga was selected to be an extra in the Tom Hanks movie Charlie Wilson's War. More details can be found on Jennie's blog.

Jennie and Inga had the weekend free of shooting, so they came down and spent Saturday and Sunday with me. I guess I should say some of Saturday, because they got a VIP pass to Universal Studios Theme Park. I've been in LA for seven years and have never been to the theme park. I've been to the gaudy Universal Walk where nobody should ever visit. The theme park itself wasn't awful. It's no Cedar Point, but it's not a bad place to take the kids.

There is one area that has cannons and such to fire these foam balls around. Nothing in the place worked so everyone in there resorted to simply throwing them at complete strangers. It seemed a little odd that this is one place where you can hit a stranger in the face with a ball and they won't want to beat the shit out of you.

The rest of the night was spent in El Segundo. Jennie and Inga met bobby. Inga struggled to fathom how someone could live in a place that had no bedrooms, only had one bathroom, and had neither a basement or attic. I over cooked one half of the pizza and blamed it on the oven. Then I introduced Jennie to the TV show "Angel."

Sunday I took Jennie and Inga to my church. Once again, communion was taken. I should point out that nearly every time I've gone to church this year communion is taken. I keep looking for a rhyme or reason to the frequency but I can't determine what it is. I don't have a problem with taking communion. I just have a problem with my church's method. They have everyone line up and break a piece a bread off of a loaf. That means by the time I get there, about fifty people have touched the bread I'm putting in my mouth. It creeps me out.

Anyway, after church Inga wanted to meet and play with some of the kids there. I've gone off and on to this church for around five years and I met more people at the church through Jennie and Inga in that one day. Of course everyone thought Jennie and I were married at first. That's one of the problems with step-siblings not looking at all alike. Back in the day, when Mom would take us clothes shopping, Jennie would take little Mandy and start acting like we were husband and wife and I was neglecting my family. Everyone was impressed with Jennie and thought Inga was adorable.

After having lunch with the families Jennie and Inga met, we went back to my apartment so Inga could enjoy her first true Root Beer out of bottle. She really liked it even though I had told her the night before that Root Beer was made out of crushed roots and often worms would get caught in there. The worm juice is what made the Root Beer foam. We also watched The Incredibles, which looks absolutely amazing on my TV. It has now become the movie I will use to show off my TV.

Finally, I drove them back to their hotel in Santa Clarita. So that's three siblings and one niece that have come to visit me in sunny LA. That leaves four siblings, three sibling in laws, and seven nieces and nephews. Anne had already been here three times. Mandy will be here for her second time next month. I'll give Ben I, and Jaime a pass because they could be out to California soon enough. Ben K. and Julie get a small pass because they just had a little one, and were actually drove through LA when I was out here. Things just didn't work out so we could meet. Dan gets a small pass because he took care of the rest of the kids while Jennie was out here. I was thinking that Sam gets a pass because he lives in England, but nope. Sure, he has a job that gives him no free time, and it's a really long flight. He's single with no kids. No pass for you Sam.

American Idol Recap

A few things before we get this thing started. Got to meet up with Jennie and Inga last weekend. I'm still kind of working on a recap of that one. Secondly, I'm becoming more and more addicted to Guitar Hero II. There has been a slight improvement, but I still can't do a song on the hard difficulty. My one complaint is that most of the bonus tracks I have no interest in playing. This might be my one glaring problem with the game. The more difficult songs all tend to be metal songs. It makes sense that this would be the progression in the game, but it causes someone like me to stop playing once I reach a certain level. Do I want to keep playing to earn the right to play Drist? Trogdor? Yes.

So tonight is country night, with Martina McBride being the coach for this evening. It must be nice to have someone who can actually sing this time. When Eric and I were interning in Nashville, we got to see McBride sing an old gospel song at the Grand Ole Opry. The girl can sing. Of course the big question is if this is the night that gives the sisters leading the pack the most problem. The second is can Midnight Oil do anything to keep him from getting the ax?

As if the show is reading my mind, Midnight Oil kicks the night off with "Where the Blacktop Ends." I'll say now that I'm not going to know a lot about the songs that will be sung tonight. Is there anything more awkward than when the singer tries to interact with the audience by giving high fives and the like? He did pretty well for Midnight Oil. All the judges seemed to say that country is his style. It won't be enough to save him.

Jordin is the first contestant this night to attempt to kiss the guest coach's ass by singing McBride's song "Broken Wing." Not to be confused with "Broken Wings" by Mister Mister, but I wish Jordin would've made that mistake. Wow, Jordin nailed it. She actually performed the song rather than just sang it. I think she wins this thing.

Looks like Indian Barry Gibb is dressed for Springsteen night and not country night. Maybe they were doing a cover of Billy Joel's "Uptown Girl" and he didn't have time to change?

After the commercials IBG is going to sing "Let's Give Them Something to Talk About." He says he wants to do Bonnie Raitt justice. That's not going to happen...and it didn't happen. I beginning to like that this is really getting to Simon. He's right but him lashing out is always fun. The whole back and forth between him and Seacrest was nice. Seacrest coming to the defense of IBG I'm pretty sure was done just to infuriate Simon. If IBG actually won this thing, what would Simon do? Would he quit? I almost want to see what happens.

Big Momma will be singing former Idol Winner Underwood's song "Jesus Take The Wheel." Will a single contestant sing a country song released before 1990? Big Momma struggled with this one. Still, she's not in any danger.

The Other Chris is up next with "Mayberry" by that Rascal Flatts group. I can't stand his voice so I'm going to go ahead and mute it. Can I say I'm hypnotized by McBride's eyes? Are those contacts? They can't really be that blue can they? The Other Chris is finished, so let's see what they say. Apparently, they didn't feel it. Finally, Simon has been saying what I have for the past 10 weeks. He's too nasal in his singing. I agree with The Other Chris that he's been singing like this the whole time. He has, and it's been driving me up the wall. I don't know why Simon is starting to complain about it now.

Keeping the "screw old country" theme going, Bobblehead's song choice is "Trouble is a Woman." Martina hasn't even heard of the song. As always Bobblehead did really well. It seems unfair to sort of take for granted that Bobblehead sing well. It is, and I think that's going to hurt her in the end.

We wrap up tonight with CCM singing some Tim McGraw song. You'd think I'd be a fan of McGraw what with him being bald yet still landing Faith Hill as wife. You would think that something like that would give me hope. You'd think wrong. There's something about his tan in a can look or something that makes me doubt he is really any kind of cowboy or something. What the hell? This is a Ryan Adams song not Tim McGraw. After a little research it seems Tim McGraw covered it. Still, CCM should be giving the credit to Ryan Adams not McGraw. Now everyone is going to be picking up McGraw's album and not Ryan Adams.

So, there really isn't going to be any surprise tomorrow when Midnight Oil goes home. Then the real competition begins sort of. I mean IBG will still be around, and The Other Chris is clearly not as good as the rest of the competition. Maybe after those two go home then the competition will really begin.

Example #294 That I'm Getting Old

For a wrap gift, the generous actors gave all the crew a gift certificate to Target. This left we with a debate on what to spend that gift certificate on. After much debating I gave in picked up Guitar Hero 2 for the 360. What led someone like me who isn't a fan of rhythm games pick up a rhythm game? Good question. The thing is this game starting with the first version for the PS2 had been touted as addicting as crack. Also, how can you turn down a game in which you simulate playing "Sweet Child O'Mine?" It's something that's difficult not to give in to.

There is a problem with me and this game and it's more than the fact that I suck at rhythm games. It's that this game makes me feel my age. That feeling seep through my hands. I just can't hit some notes because the fingers on my left hand are worthless. After trying to reach for that blue note on Cheap Trick's "Surrender" at the beginning of the chorus, my pinky finger starts locking up and not wanting to move. Being the stubborn man that I am, it doesn't stop me from trying. So, by the seventh time through the song my left hand is screaming for me to stop. What have Pete Townsend and Eddie Van Halen done to keep their fingers limber? How come it's taken till now to realize how worthless my pinky is? Why can't I stop playing this game? Why do I start humming the song to myself and play air video game guitar to see if I can remember the notes? Why do I think I'd actually be able to even come close to 50% on the coda of "Free Bird?" Why am I jealous an 8 year old? That I know the answer to. It's only one 8 year old, and it's because he can do this:


I don't think I ever had fingers that could pull that off.

American Idol Recap (What Happens When Someone Who Can't Sing Coaches People Who Can't Sing Edition)

Here we are again kids. I'm out of the Idol fantasy but I'm still back here with another recap. Why? Jennifer Lopez is the coach tonight, and I'm pretty certain she will not give any advice on one of the contestants' vocals. I'm betting that attitude will be the theme word for tonight. Of course this probably is a big boost to the contestants. How can it not be when they can all sing better than the person coaching them? Anyway on with the show.

Apparently, Ms. Lopez is a huge fan of the show, but won't say who her favorites are. I guess US Magazine has their cover story now. How would they investigate this? Would they go as far as to bug her phone? Maybe they would call her up pretending to be a pollster or something. Who am I kidding she doesn't answer her own phone.

We kick things off with Bobblehead singing Sway. Lopez seems genuinely excited when she says she sang this song too. I'm sure running through Bobblehead's mind is, "Yeah, but I'm not using three computers and five engineers to make me sound good." Well this is the best Bobblehead has looked on the show I think. Not quite as saucy as this song should be. Randy and the drunkette love her, but Simon didn't like it so much. I don't buy his continuous complaints this season that contestants aren't acting their age while performing certain songs. I think he's stretching to find something wrong. Was it her best? No. Still can guarantee it's better then two thirds of the people that will sing tonight. Nice that Bobblehead even called him out on wanting to say something bad. She's growing on me. This look tonight helps. She need to keep away from those odd patterns.

ok that Sony cam commercial with the parents bathing their twenty year old son in the sink is easily one of the creepiest commercials ever. I hope I never have to see that thing again.

Apparently they are going back to back with the big voices. Big Momma is in the viewer question chair. Big Momma throws out the "I've got a baby" card. So I'm two for two. Ms. Lopez just showed Big Momma how to move to the song. I'm betting Big Momma's going to have a little problem at the end of this song if she moves too much. Oh she's singing "Conga." Wouldn't Gloria Estefan be a better choice for Latin night? She could use the boost in CD sales. Simon and Paula agree for the one time this season. It was a safe song vocally, but it probably had to be with her moving around and stuff.

Way to screw me over Ms. Lopez. You just had to tell The Other Chris to go a up a key. Why do they keep giving him good marks. His voice drives me up the wall. Am I alone in this? His voice is awful isn't it?

In case you didn't know Drive premieres next Sunday on FOX! Can they promo this show enough times that we actually hate it before actually seeing it?

So Legs is up now to sing "Turn the Beat Around." Wow, her skirt/shorts keep getting shorter and shorter. Her vocals still are thin. Simon calls her on her tactic to wear the least amount of clothing as possible and hope her enthusiasm gets her through. I'm not complaining, but she's gone tomorrow night. Her outfit wasn't the best either. It showed her legs but it still wasn't that flattering and she needs to stick with the long curly hair. Hmm. Can a TV show make you gay? I bet there's a Bob Jones study somewhere that says yes.

Midnight Oil is on the clock. Tonight he will be singing "Maria, Maria." The pickings can't be this thin for Latin night can they? Two Santana songs? Goose pimples? Who the hell calls them goose pimples? Two cracks in his performance. Don't kiss Simon's ass Midnight Oil. He played the I have a daughter card too with his my daughter named a stuffed animal after Simon. I'd bet that whole story is all bullshit. Except for the daughter part.

Who watches this Are you Smarter than a Fifth Grader show?

Jordin with no nickname is now going to sing "The Rhythm is Going to Get You." Is Ms. Lopez pissed it's another Gloria Estefan song? It seems like a good time as any to admit that when I got out from under the Bob Jones umbrella and listened to the radio at my Mom's house, I listened to this song a lot. Actually, I listened to a lot of Gloria Estefan and the Miami Sound Machine, except for that Bad Boys song it was shit. Anyway, Jordin sings fine it just seem all the upbeat songs tonight don't have that extra something. They come across flat and little slow. I almost want to blame it on the band, but I know better than that.

Making me dislike him even more, CCM has chosen to sing a song by Marc Anthony who is also know as Jennifer Lopez's husband. The song is called "I Need to Know." CCM's tattoos are really just magic marker right? Dammit. Simon called it the best performance of the night, and sadly he's right. Could he actually win? I bet he makes the final two.

Closing out the night is The Indian Barry Gibb. Nice to see his sister made it back this week for the show. It also looks like she found some surfer wannabe for a boyfriend. I bet she never got that many dates and had a classic case of girl doesn't realize how pretty she is till she gets on TV. Now look at her with her cute 10 IQ boyfriend. I bet he says "dude" every other sentence. Indian Barry Gibb is singing some song with Mucho in the title. Ms. Lopez says it's beautiful. It won't be once he's done with it. Holy crap check out the facial hair. I'm beginning to think he might be nothing but a real life Wooly Willy. He's nothing but a completely bald kid and they just cut and paste hair like they want to each week. For Indian Barry Gibb he didn't do half bad.

So another show, another hour gone from my life. Do they still go with the final three once they are down to eight? Clearly, Midnight Oil and Legs will be in the bottom, but who will be the third? I'm at a lost. I'm guessing it's The Other Chris.

American Idol Recap

This American Idol recap is not actually live this time. It's been delayed because Back to the Future was being shown in glorious HD. Thank goodness for DVR's. Anyway, tonight we are down to single digits with 9 contestants left after Sideshow Chunk correctly got booted from the show. The special guest this evening is the legendary Tony Bennett. Mr. Bennett's first comment about our "singers" is "They are all very competent." Which is short hand for "These kids think they can sing, but I pass gas that sounds better than them." Actually, Mr. Bennett is clearly too nice of a guy to say such a crass thing. It does lead me to wonder what Sinatra would be like if he was the coach for American Idol. It'd make a good Phil Hartman as Sinatra sketch on SNL. I miss Phil.

Our first performer for the night is CCM. He will be performing "Jack the Knife." Mr. Bennett tells the punk to remember what the song is about. It is a song about a killer. CCM of course doesn't show any clue to what the song is about as he bounces around and sings blankly. You can do something different with a dark song like that and just turns it into a bland vanilla performance. He's all vanilla. And he didn't listen to Mr. Bennett.

Do we know what charity it is that American Idol is giving back to? Every time Seacrest mentions it he just says "the charity." I can't wait to see some 60 Minutes piece on "the charity" actually going to something like Paula's collection of Jack Daniels bottles.

Next up is Midnight Oil who will be singing "Night and Day." Mr. Bennett wants him to put some beat behind his performance. Of course, Midnight Oil doesn't listen. Are they all that stubborn or arrogant to not take Mr. Bennett's advice. He does ok. Again, no real emotion invested in the lyrics. This is why someone like Bobblehead-What? Paula just said Midnight Oil is like a young Sinatra. Can't she be shot for something like that? I like Simon's funeral line. Which makes Midnight Oil's line that he was thinking of his wife even more awkward.

Bobblehead is up with "I've Got Rhythm." I'm certain she's really this nice, but I'm so sick to death of her surprise look at every compliment. It is always eye go wide, she say "oh," hand is raised to her chest and she takes half a step back. It happens every time, and it's driving me nuts. I'm surprised there isn't a compilation of that look on YouTube. Yeah, she nailed it. There's no doubt she's the best singer, and can actually convey the lyrics in her performance. I still think her lack of a neck will hurt her, (the short straight hair helps I think) and perhaps she's too good. Big Momma isn't even in her league.

The Other Chris is really riding the Timberlake wannabe angle. "Don't Get Around Much Anymore" is what he will butcher tonight. So thin and so flat. He bores me. Somehow Randy and Paula really liked it. Paula even used the phrase "artistic integrity." Simon even liked it. Maybe, his voice just grates on me, but I can't stand any of his performances.

Jordin will try to hold onto her spot as the dark horse with a little "On a Clear Day." She does well. I think Simon is just aching to be negative, and incorrectly nitpicks her performance. I think she's the solid number three. I'm glad she stopped doing that heart signal with her hands. That drove me nuts.

This is going to be a tough night I think for Gina Jett. She will be singing "Smile." I always think sitting is a bad idea when performing. I'm bored. Randy and Paula are deaf. It seems she realizes she's being, like Simon said, out sung by these other ladies, but to keep her going she keeps telling herself there are different vocal styles for each person. The problem is she doesn't believe herself. At this point I don't care if she gets voted off, because Sideshow Chunk's dismissal last week means that Dominic is the loser once again this year at Fantasy Idol. This is two years in a row Dom has come in last. His punishment is he has to now bake cookies for everyone. With Dom out I don't care if Gina is booted. I just didn't want to be last and have to bake cookies.

Mr. Bennett loves The Indian Barry Gibb. Nobody is immune to his charm. I'm not immune to his sister's charm. Who they don't show during his performance. Oh he's singing "Cheek to Cheek." If I have to listen to him sing, I should get to baffle at how he could have sister that cute. Of course, everybody has now given up on actually criticizing him, and just accepting him now. It's like they are at the end of the five stages of grief.

Legs is up next, and she is still going with her legs as a selling point. She added the cleavage to the mix tonight. "Ain't Misbehavin'" is clearly the song she should be singing. Legs does as well as legs can do. The judges seem to treat her like they do Indian Barry Gibb. They know she's barely getting by on her looks. I think she's gone next week. There can't be a bunch of teenage boys watching this and voting for her.

Wait. Ryan O'Neal is playing a killer father on Bones? Tacky.

We wrap up this show with Big Momma and "Stormy Weather." I don't know how many more of these I can do. I've become bored on the whole process. It's the same thing every time. They need to shake this up somehow. Bobblehead kicks everyone's behind, and Jordin and Big Momma pick up the scraps. I know CCM is going to sneak into the final. I'm just in the depression stage about it. Also, if somehow the Indian Barry Gibb really wins this, that's the end of American Idol right? It will officially become a joke then won't it?

Now time to wash away this aftertaste with the season premiere of The Shield, the best show on television.

American Idol Recap (If Gwen Can Mail It In So Can I Edition)

Honestly, I'm still distraught over Stephanie getting the boot last week. That leaves me relying on Gina Jett to not be the loser of our Idol Pool. Gina's track record has left me with absolutely no confidence. I should really seek counseling for- Shit, I can't make that cliche joke anymore. Anyway, on with the show.

Since Gwen Stephanie is clearly never giving more than two sentences of advice, I'm going to try to do the same with the contestants

Big Momma sang Donna Summer's "Last Dance" and showed she gets winded when she walks around stage and sings. Her divaness might actually hurt her in this competition.

Sideshow Chunk massacres "Everything She Does is Magic" in a way that only a few could, and could beat The Indian Barry Gibb for worst performance of the night. I'll let that sink in for awhile.

Gina Jett does well with her rendition of "I'll Stand By You" by the Pretenders. Could she probably survive this round?

The Indian Barry Gibb "sings" Gwen's own "Bathwater." (That's a really painful sentence) Sideshow Chunk is in trouble, and deserves to go home.

I'm going to go a little longer than planned on Cleavage because I'm changing her nickname again. After this many performances it is clear that Haley is accentuating her legs every time out now. The cameramen have even gotten in on it. It's all short skirts and the batting of eye lashes. She sings "True Colors" in her thin voice, and gets a passable grade. She's kind of growing on me. Yeah it's probably her legs.

Midnight Oil performs the creepy stalker song often confused as a love song "Every Breath You Take." Solid performance for him, but also very creepy.

Keeping in the what ever you sing I can sing better, Bobblehead does Donna Summer better by belting out "Heaven Knows." She's the best singer, and it's too bad she has no neck.

CCM moans through Cure's "Lovesong." The best thing is that he didn't beatbox.

Miss Sparks sings a song that Gwen technically didn't sing "Hey Baby." I still think she wins this thing.

Ending the show on a whimper, The Other Chris nasals his way through "Don't Speak." I'm so bored.

This episode sucked. Gwen provided no spark at all. She just stood there and looked cute. She did look adorable. But, how many times did she say the singer should stick to the melody? I was expecting more. The theme was even weak by leaving it to either songs that inspired Gwen or songs she sang. It's such a cop out. Big Momma and Bobblehead should have to try another style. Overall this has been the worst show of this season.

American Idol Recap

My only excuse for this is that I have nothing else to write about at the moment, so I'm sticking you with this. For those that missed the last recap you can catch up if you want here.

The following conversation just took place:

Seacrest: Paula, how do you work on the nerves on a night like tonight?
Paula: Booze and pills, Ryan. Booze and pills.

To be fair Paula didn't really say that, but that's what you all were thinking. She actually rambled on in what felt like a rehearsed bit about picturing Simon naked.

Tonight's theme is 60's Brit pop. Because 83% of the audience has no clue about this period of music we are graced with a quick recap which basically said, "You've heard of the Beatles right? Well, people went crazy over the Beatles, and that resulted in a bunch of other British bands becoming really popular. Two of these artists were Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits and Lulu. Trust us these artists were really big at one point. No really. They were huge. Look, this is the best we could do. We can't have Diana Ross every night."

First up tonight is Cleavage. Though I'm thinking of going with Mole because I can't seem to take my eyes off of her Cindy Crawfordish mole. Her song of choice this evening is "Tell Him" by I think the Exciters? No certain on that though. Not a bad choice. It's made its rounds in a few movie soundtracks. There's no real outstanding vocal part to show your talents, so this may require a sell on attitude...and cleavage. Ooops, apparently it was originally sung by Billie Davis. I need to Google that for a minute. Be right back. Watch Mole sing her short shorts, and her strategically taped top. Nice to see she finally realized that she needs to go the sexy route if she even has a chance in this. Clearly, her voice isn't great. She does all right. It's cute, and-wow she's really fighting for the just entering puberty boy vote by shaking anything that can shake. Simon even calls her out on it saying, "I think people are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight." Why don't they cut to her father in the audience when Simon makes those comments. They already showed him before. They need to integrate a little more underlying family drama in this. How priceless would've been the "My daughter is acting like a whore" look from the father?

Oh, "Tell Him" was originally sung by The Exciters. It was though next covered by Billie Davis in the UK. Technicalities, technicalities.

Back from commercial they show Seacrest asking some poor girl in tears if those were tear of joy. Lucky for all of us she says they are. Though that look she gives him as he slowly backs away hints that they might be tears of love. Her parents need to explain first Seacrest is gay, and second she will now need to go to another school in another country because she will never live this down till after high school. Also, her older sister is so crowding into her screen time.

The Other Chris is up now. They must be getting all the crappy singers out of the way first. The Other Chris' goal "Is to finally nail a song." I was expecting him to say groupie because he isn't long for this competition and has to cash in on his fame now. We all saw the "before" pictures after he loss that weight. After this competition that weight is going back on - twice. He chooses "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" by Gerry and the Pacemakers. eh. Oooh. They brought out the acoustic guitar guy on stage. You know what? The Other Chris did pretty good. Simple and solid. Could I have under estimated him? Nah.

Next up. Stephanie singing Dusty Springfield. Come on Stephanie. You have to up your game this time. My Idol Fantasy team is depending on it. She's singing "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty. Aaah. Subpar performance again. She needs to stop doing the vocal theatrics and just sing. She's dropping fast, and I have no more confidence in her. Where's the Stephanie I once knew. CCM is up next doing The Zombies. I can't wait till he adds his special flair to the Zombies.

Here's CCM. He's doing "Time of the Season." Yes, he's adding his special flair. I hate him. Thing is he has stage presence and clearly the teenage girls love him. They are clearly falling for his beat box shtick. I'm scared he might make it. I couldn't handle him as the next American Idol. Seacrest just asked him what's his secret to taking an old song and make it new again? His answer was he puts as much energy and passion into one song as he could. The actual answer is he didn't do anything. He beat boxed a couple beats in the intro and in the middle. He didn't do anything else to the song. Stop giving this schlep credit when he did nothing. He's just the stupid white kid who fools all the other white kids into thinking he's urban and hip. I can't believe Simon is even falling for his crap.

Big Momma is no longer in her comfort zone. She's debating between "Diamonds are Forever" or "You're My World" by Cilla Black, but made famous by Helen Reddy. Lulu wisely advises her to sing "You're My World." Lulu really tries to convince her to sing it. Big Momma decides against it. Apparently, Simon really likes it. It's a boring song to me. Simon and Randy both say it's not her their favorite. Thing is it's still better than most of the contestants.

Midnight Oil steps up to the plate to try his hand at Tobacco Road. I hope he does the David Lee Roth cover version. Please! Please! Have they ever had "Hair Band" Night on Idol? I guess that's another five seasons away. Wait. He's sort of doing the David Lee Roth version. Too bad he's not really singing. Hmm. He's no Roth. He kinda sucked, and he will have a problem tomorrow. He's gone. He's even getting to the point of desperate begging.

After another rehearsed audience question, Jordin, who I still haven't come up with a nickname yet, has decided to sing "I Who Have Nothing." Fantastic choice for her. I love that song. I have to give Lulu some credit. She is really trying to help the girls. Sparky? Hell no. That sucks as a nickname. I might need some help with this. Anyway, she can solidify herself in the top three with a solid performance. She did well. What's Simon's problem? It's a desperate song. Watch out Big Momma and Bobblehead here comes....crap! Why can't I come up with a nickname?

Returning from the break, The Indian Barry Gibb brings the love because he is love. The Indian Barry Gibb is on the fence. He also can't decide on what song to sing. Ba-dum-bum. Indian Barry Gibb has narrowed it down to "You Really Got Me" or "I'm Into Something Good." Mr. Noone suggests "You Really Got Me." He tries to pass it off with some lame excuse, but we all know it's because he doesn't want The Indian Barry Gibb to butcher his own song. You know what I'm changing The Indian Barry Gibb to Love. Sanjaya is Love. So, Love has decided to do "You Really Got Me," and is apparently doing the Van Halen version. David Lee Roth has realized there will now never be a David Lee Roth night on Idol. Look, we all know what Love is going to do to this song, and it won't be pretty. So, let us focus on what is really important at this moment and that is the constant cut aways to the crying girl. She won't stop crying. What is her problem? Where are her parents? Does she love Idol that much? Isn't this dangerous? Maybe they are just using her to remind us what 60's Brit Pop fans were like back then. I bet she's a plant. It totally makes sense now. No it doesn't. It's also important to note how attractive Love's sister is. Now Simon has referenced little mis cry-a-lot. We could be currently witnessing an audience member becoming a star. It appears her name is Ashley, and she likes Love. Aw they hugged. He really is Love. You know Ashley is already going to be all over the internet. I guarantee you she will be on at least two talk shows in a week. One of them will be Jimmy Kimmel. Then her life will be ruined. She will always be little miss cry-a-lot now. If this is what happens when Love is on Idol, we might just have to keep him around.

My other Idol fantasy contestant is up now Gina Jett, and she's really pushing the Joan Jett clothing tonight. She will be singing Stones "Paint it Black." Once again Lulu really helps her.
Eh. Simon's right. It was a mess. I hope she brings in the goth vote

Singing the Zombies "She's Not There" it is Sideshow Chunk. Ooh he's coming out of the audience! He's giving high fives! His family is trying to get the catchphrase "Fro Patrol." Which is about as lame as you can get. That's two nights now that he's irked me. He nearly clocked Simon with the mic stand. That would've been priceless. Come on. Now he's even trying to sell the fro patrol to the audience. Vote this kiss ass off now. I hate the smell of desperation.

Finally, Bobblehead ends the night with "As Long As He Needs Me" which it seems is from the musical Oliver. I think I need to go to the judges to see if this is kosher. Shirely Bassey covered it so I'll let it slide. Bobblehead knocks it out of the park, and jumped to the top. Nice of the director to let us know little miss cry-a-lot is still crying. A very strong and controlled performance. Still in this shallow world I think not being conventionally beautiful is going to hurt her and Big Momma in the long run. It will be a shame too.

That's it kids. I think Midnight Oil is going home tomorrow. That would put the team Krystal and Alon out of the competition, and would mean I don't have to bake cookies. Lulu and Peter Noone really were solid advisers too. Aw. Seacrest is bringing up little miss cry-a-lot onto stage. She went straight to CCM. How awkward. You can tell who is fake hugging her, and who is being honestly nice to her. I tell you, her fifteen minutes have just begun. All fifteen minutes will be spent in tears. So what else did we learn? The guys improved, but not enough. CCM could sneak up and win this, and it scares me. Sideshow Chunk lowered himself to now begging for votes and stealing the whole "Soul Patrol" is unforgivable. Mole has gone full throttle into trying to sell the sexy. Bobblehead is your current leader. Tell the next time I find myself with nothing to blog about. So, that means next week.