Tuesday, March 13, 2007

American Idol Recap (Don't F*@#k With a Classic Edition)

It's that time again kids. Tonight we have the top 12 contestants and Diana Ross all in one hour of televised karaoke. That pretty much screams recap.

Well I missed the first singer, but it was one of the guys and they all suck in comparison to the women well except for Sanjaya she's pretty awful. I kid because I care. He's clearly the Indian Barry Gibb. Apparently, the first guy was the guy from the 7-up commercials, Orlando Jones. I thought professional actors weren't allowed in this competition. Next up we have Melinda, whom we will refer to for the rest of the year as Bobblehead. From the few moments I've seen before this I know she's one of the front runners. For some reason Bobblehead picks the boring and unknown "Home" from The Wiz. Someone needs to step in and help these people pick their songs. You have to sing songs people know. Bobblehead does a pretty good job with it. Sweet Paula's all in tears. Is that pure alcohol coming from her eyes? Simon can't stop laughing. Frankly, neither can I.

Chris Sligh has the unfortunate position of following Bobblehead. Every guy must pray before the order is given to not follow Melinda or Lakisha. Chris Sligh is clearly the offspring of Sideshow Bob and Chunk from Goonies. Let us name him Sideshow Chunk. He's even going to sing a popular Diana Ross song, Endless Love. Holy shit! What is he doing? He's turning it into an awful Coldplay ripoff. The last thing you should ever say in front of an artist when you are going to do one of their greatest hits is "... and give it a little bit of a different feel." Diana's going to kill him right now. If there wasn't a camera there he'd be dead. I'd help. Ok she just said "Can I give you one comment." I expected her to follow that up with "Don't f*#@k with my song!" Unfortunately she restrained herself. I don't care that Indian Barry Gibb is somehow still on the show. I ask you all to vote this arrogant fat ass off the show. What makes you think you can change the cords around to a Diana Ross song because it "doesn't sound...modern." It's a classic. Don't f@#*k with a classic! Poor Diana. No wonder she's psycho. She even tries to politely tell him to not screw around and lose the melody. He's not going to listen. He's not going to listen. He didn't listen. He's completely ripping off Coldplay. Good grief. This is painful. Vote him off! This is a disaster! I want a formal apology from him. He doesn't even know how to end it. Randy even calls him out on the Coldplay. Paula can't believe he butchered this. Simon rules. He calls him on this shit. "Even the boos are light." He didn't go with his gut he went with his ego. Sideshow Chunk you are my enemy.

Gina is on deck. She better thank whoever she needs to thank that she gets to follow Sideshow Chunk. I should admit that Gina is one of the two contestants I have in my Idol fantasy team. The problem is she's not awful but she's not great. She clearly is falling into that Joan Jett style. I'm struggling for even coming up with a name for her. As a place holder we'll have Gina Jett. It sucks but that's all I've got now. Hmm. The song she chose was "Love Child." It's a great song, but I'm not sure the general population is that familiar with it. A few things. One, this is boring. Second, why are the horns not playing in this song? The band doesn't seem to be helping her much. The band seems bored. Third, perhaps when Diana Ross says you need to work on enunciation perhaps you should remove the metal stud driven through your tongue.

To quote Seacrest, "Coming up, Sanjaya has a mountain to climb." The commercial break can't end fast enough. The Indian Barry Gibb and Diana Ross together only on FOX! What?! He/she permed it's hair. The Indian Barry Gibb doesn't work now. Screw it. I'm sticking with it.

Have you had trouble the past few weeks trying to get through to technical support? You can blame. That's the only reason I can come up with to explain how Indian Barry Gibb is still on this show. That or a hell of a lot of people believe what Diana claims, "Sanjaya to me is...love."
Yeah, Indian Barry Gibb is all love, and it creeps me out. His song choice, "Ain't No Mountain High Enough." Good song too bad he can't sing. Ok, Diana just said, "You better get your toe in there." Does anyone know what that means? Wow, Indian Barry Gibb is really? Here we go. Here comes the pain! ... His parents are white? Was he adopted? Nobody believes what they just heard. As Randy said, "Thank goodness for the background singers." Paula believes that Indian Barry Gibb is love. Simon is so baffled he can't even tear into him logically. Can we please eliminate "It's all good" from our vocabulary?

Haley just forgot the words to Missing You. It was a mess. At least she knows it, and fessed up to it. I kind of like her. She's not that great, and falls on the boring side. I don't even have name for her. Wait. She made an effort to show off her cleavage. We'll go with Cleavage. She'll be the next voted off, so I won't have to use it long. Apparently, Orland Jones forgot the words as well.

Phil "Midnight Oil" Stacey is up next with "I'm Gonna Make You Love Me?" Is this the best the guys have to offer? He can only sing loud and even then he's barely average. I would like to point out I know nothing about singing and can't sing a lick. Doesn't stop me from judging.

Ok, every commercial break has featured an add for FOX's new show, Drive. There is no way a show can keep that up for a season. I'll give it a shot though. I like that Nathan Fillion from Firefly is getting another chance.

Finally, Big Momma Lakisha is up. I've got give her credit she used the movie soundtrack loop hole to do a Billie Holiday song, "God Bless the Child." Big Momma ain't messing around. She's here to win. Diana Ross even knows it by only giving her visual performance advice. She stumbled a little out the gate, but she nailed it as she went along. This is Big Momma's to win. No big theatrics in her voice. She just sang. Simon claims that Bobblehead and Big Momma are head and shoulders above the rest of the singers. I'd say Big Momma's even better than Bobblehead. Big Momma has triple the stage presence of Bobblehead, and I don't mean that as a fat joke. Big Momma is your next American Idol.

Modern spin on a Motown classic? Blake is going to make the same mistake Sideshow Chunk made.

I was debating on Blake's nickname. I started off with "Boy band" but that was too on the nose. I thought about The Whiter Toby Mac but that was too obscure. Still I went with "CCM." Why? I know it's still obscure but it's really easy to type. CCM is so pissed he has to follow Big Momma. He's so pissed he's going to screw up an American standard in "You Keep Me Hanging On." Just take the whole rant I wrote about Sideshow Chunk and place it here. Rather than ripoff Coldplay, CCM decides he will use the Live 5 program to create bland wannabe blips and pretend he knows something about music. The girls apparently love him though. It must be the stubble. He's trying so hard to hide his nerd past. Diana even fell for his shit. I am impressed that he never broke a sweat while wearing a shirt and tie, with a sweater and a sport coat. Still, Don't F#@*k With A Classic!

Crap! My other contestant in the Idol Fantasy is Stephanie. I don't have name for her either. I always considered her my decent long shot to win out right. Tonight showed she's a step behind Bobblehead and Big Momma. How do you do Love Hangover and only sing the intro? Stephanie you are killing me. I need you to last a few more weeks. Don't make me count on Gina Jett.

The Other Chris who I confuse all the time with CCM decides to do "The Boss." Another awful song choice. He can't sing either. He tries really hard. So, points for effort, and the Timberlake impression.

Now I feel even less confident in my Stephanie and Gina Jett. Sure, Jordin Sparks spells her name with an "i" instead of an "a." Sure, she picked another awful song in "If We Hold On Together." She might be a legitimate dark horse in this. She's cuter than Bobblehead and Big Momma and comes close to matching their singing. I was hoping Stephanie would fill that role as the cute and passable singer, but it looks like it's Jordin's now.

So what did we learn tonight? There's no way a guy should come even close to winning this thing. It will most likely be a battle between Bobblehead and Big Momma, with Jordin a strong dark horse. I might be out of this thing earlier than I thought. The Indian Barry Gibb is proof that the democratic process doesn't always work. And of course don't f@#*k with the classics.


Adam said...

Hilarious, Brad! You should just make a general statement that AI sucks this year. I think I just might bag on it. I don't like any of them.

BTW, in case you didn't know, Chris Sligh went to BJU. Does that move him up in your rankings? He's clearly got to be a frontrunner with all that fine arts training. I bet he even sang at Vespers.

bobby said...

I'm just trying to figure out what five-letter swear word starts with f and ends with k. You know you can say "frank."

Bradford said...

Sideshow Chunk went to Bob Jones? It makes me consider moving him up but not after what he did to Endless Love.

Bobby: The word is flock.