Tuesday, March 20, 2007

American Idol Recap

My only excuse for this is that I have nothing else to write about at the moment, so I'm sticking you with this. For those that missed the last recap you can catch up if you want here.

The following conversation just took place:

Seacrest: Paula, how do you work on the nerves on a night like tonight?
Paula: Booze and pills, Ryan. Booze and pills.

To be fair Paula didn't really say that, but that's what you all were thinking. She actually rambled on in what felt like a rehearsed bit about picturing Simon naked.

Tonight's theme is 60's Brit pop. Because 83% of the audience has no clue about this period of music we are graced with a quick recap which basically said, "You've heard of the Beatles right? Well, people went crazy over the Beatles, and that resulted in a bunch of other British bands becoming really popular. Two of these artists were Peter Noone of Herman's Hermits and Lulu. Trust us these artists were really big at one point. No really. They were huge. Look, this is the best we could do. We can't have Diana Ross every night."

First up tonight is Cleavage. Though I'm thinking of going with Mole because I can't seem to take my eyes off of her Cindy Crawfordish mole. Her song of choice this evening is "Tell Him" by I think the Exciters? No certain on that though. Not a bad choice. It's made its rounds in a few movie soundtracks. There's no real outstanding vocal part to show your talents, so this may require a sell on attitude...and cleavage. Ooops, apparently it was originally sung by Billie Davis. I need to Google that for a minute. Be right back. Watch Mole sing her short shorts, and her strategically taped top. Nice to see she finally realized that she needs to go the sexy route if she even has a chance in this. Clearly, her voice isn't great. She does all right. It's cute, and-wow she's really fighting for the just entering puberty boy vote by shaking anything that can shake. Simon even calls her out on it saying, "I think people are going to be talking about a lot more than your singing tonight." Why don't they cut to her father in the audience when Simon makes those comments. They already showed him before. They need to integrate a little more underlying family drama in this. How priceless would've been the "My daughter is acting like a whore" look from the father?

Oh, "Tell Him" was originally sung by The Exciters. It was though next covered by Billie Davis in the UK. Technicalities, technicalities.

Back from commercial they show Seacrest asking some poor girl in tears if those were tear of joy. Lucky for all of us she says they are. Though that look she gives him as he slowly backs away hints that they might be tears of love. Her parents need to explain first Seacrest is gay, and second she will now need to go to another school in another country because she will never live this down till after high school. Also, her older sister is so crowding into her screen time.

The Other Chris is up now. They must be getting all the crappy singers out of the way first. The Other Chris' goal "Is to finally nail a song." I was expecting him to say groupie because he isn't long for this competition and has to cash in on his fame now. We all saw the "before" pictures after he loss that weight. After this competition that weight is going back on - twice. He chooses "Don't Let the Sun Catch You Crying" by Gerry and the Pacemakers. eh. Oooh. They brought out the acoustic guitar guy on stage. You know what? The Other Chris did pretty good. Simple and solid. Could I have under estimated him? Nah.

Next up. Stephanie singing Dusty Springfield. Come on Stephanie. You have to up your game this time. My Idol Fantasy team is depending on it. She's singing "You Don't Have to Say You Love Me" by Dusty. Aaah. Subpar performance again. She needs to stop doing the vocal theatrics and just sing. She's dropping fast, and I have no more confidence in her. Where's the Stephanie I once knew. CCM is up next doing The Zombies. I can't wait till he adds his special flair to the Zombies.

Here's CCM. He's doing "Time of the Season." Yes, he's adding his special flair. I hate him. Thing is he has stage presence and clearly the teenage girls love him. They are clearly falling for his beat box shtick. I'm scared he might make it. I couldn't handle him as the next American Idol. Seacrest just asked him what's his secret to taking an old song and make it new again? His answer was he puts as much energy and passion into one song as he could. The actual answer is he didn't do anything. He beat boxed a couple beats in the intro and in the middle. He didn't do anything else to the song. Stop giving this schlep credit when he did nothing. He's just the stupid white kid who fools all the other white kids into thinking he's urban and hip. I can't believe Simon is even falling for his crap.

Big Momma is no longer in her comfort zone. She's debating between "Diamonds are Forever" or "You're My World" by Cilla Black, but made famous by Helen Reddy. Lulu wisely advises her to sing "You're My World." Lulu really tries to convince her to sing it. Big Momma decides against it. Apparently, Simon really likes it. It's a boring song to me. Simon and Randy both say it's not her their favorite. Thing is it's still better than most of the contestants.

Midnight Oil steps up to the plate to try his hand at Tobacco Road. I hope he does the David Lee Roth cover version. Please! Please! Have they ever had "Hair Band" Night on Idol? I guess that's another five seasons away. Wait. He's sort of doing the David Lee Roth version. Too bad he's not really singing. Hmm. He's no Roth. He kinda sucked, and he will have a problem tomorrow. He's gone. He's even getting to the point of desperate begging.

After another rehearsed audience question, Jordin, who I still haven't come up with a nickname yet, has decided to sing "I Who Have Nothing." Fantastic choice for her. I love that song. I have to give Lulu some credit. She is really trying to help the girls. Sparky? Hell no. That sucks as a nickname. I might need some help with this. Anyway, she can solidify herself in the top three with a solid performance. She did well. What's Simon's problem? It's a desperate song. Watch out Big Momma and Bobblehead here comes....crap! Why can't I come up with a nickname?

Returning from the break, The Indian Barry Gibb brings the love because he is love. The Indian Barry Gibb is on the fence. He also can't decide on what song to sing. Ba-dum-bum. Indian Barry Gibb has narrowed it down to "You Really Got Me" or "I'm Into Something Good." Mr. Noone suggests "You Really Got Me." He tries to pass it off with some lame excuse, but we all know it's because he doesn't want The Indian Barry Gibb to butcher his own song. You know what I'm changing The Indian Barry Gibb to Love. Sanjaya is Love. So, Love has decided to do "You Really Got Me," and is apparently doing the Van Halen version. David Lee Roth has realized there will now never be a David Lee Roth night on Idol. Look, we all know what Love is going to do to this song, and it won't be pretty. So, let us focus on what is really important at this moment and that is the constant cut aways to the crying girl. She won't stop crying. What is her problem? Where are her parents? Does she love Idol that much? Isn't this dangerous? Maybe they are just using her to remind us what 60's Brit Pop fans were like back then. I bet she's a plant. It totally makes sense now. No it doesn't. It's also important to note how attractive Love's sister is. Now Simon has referenced little mis cry-a-lot. We could be currently witnessing an audience member becoming a star. It appears her name is Ashley, and she likes Love. Aw they hugged. He really is Love. You know Ashley is already going to be all over the internet. I guarantee you she will be on at least two talk shows in a week. One of them will be Jimmy Kimmel. Then her life will be ruined. She will always be little miss cry-a-lot now. If this is what happens when Love is on Idol, we might just have to keep him around.

My other Idol fantasy contestant is up now Gina Jett, and she's really pushing the Joan Jett clothing tonight. She will be singing Stones "Paint it Black." Once again Lulu really helps her.
Eh. Simon's right. It was a mess. I hope she brings in the goth vote

Singing the Zombies "She's Not There" it is Sideshow Chunk. Ooh he's coming out of the audience! He's giving high fives! His family is trying to get the catchphrase "Fro Patrol." Which is about as lame as you can get. That's two nights now that he's irked me. He nearly clocked Simon with the mic stand. That would've been priceless. Come on. Now he's even trying to sell the fro patrol to the audience. Vote this kiss ass off now. I hate the smell of desperation.

Finally, Bobblehead ends the night with "As Long As He Needs Me" which it seems is from the musical Oliver. I think I need to go to the judges to see if this is kosher. Shirely Bassey covered it so I'll let it slide. Bobblehead knocks it out of the park, and jumped to the top. Nice of the director to let us know little miss cry-a-lot is still crying. A very strong and controlled performance. Still in this shallow world I think not being conventionally beautiful is going to hurt her and Big Momma in the long run. It will be a shame too.

That's it kids. I think Midnight Oil is going home tomorrow. That would put the team Krystal and Alon out of the competition, and would mean I don't have to bake cookies. Lulu and Peter Noone really were solid advisers too. Aw. Seacrest is bringing up little miss cry-a-lot onto stage. She went straight to CCM. How awkward. You can tell who is fake hugging her, and who is being honestly nice to her. I tell you, her fifteen minutes have just begun. All fifteen minutes will be spent in tears. So what else did we learn? The guys improved, but not enough. CCM could sneak up and win this, and it scares me. Sideshow Chunk lowered himself to now begging for votes and stealing the whole "Soul Patrol" is unforgivable. Mole has gone full throttle into trying to sell the sexy. Bobblehead is your current leader. Tell the next time I find myself with nothing to blog about. So, that means next week.

3 comments:

Ben said...

Brad, you're actually making this show worth seeing. It's sooo scary.

Jaime said...

I just want to say that I walked upstairs, American Idol was on mute, but I saw a certain someone and yelled, "Oh my God, it's LULU!" I want serious points for being an American and recognizing her.

bobby said...

Not only did I watch the show, but I read your recap. What's wrong with me?