Mickey Mouse Can Kiss My Ass!

I’ll be the first to admit I can be a Scrooge, miser, or whatever term you want for the guy taking the pin to your happiness balloon, but I don’t think it fits this time. When my sister was visiting this past week, I was asked numerous times if we made plans to go to Disneyland. I emphatically said “No.” This took everyone by surprise that I wouldn’t want to go to Disneyland. I was eventually offered free admission and said “No thanks.” Now I was suddenly viewed as a heartless bastard with no soul. Perhaps I am…sometimes, but I don’t think so in this case.

Disneyland and Disney World basically suck as theme parks. First, their rides are awful, and my primary reason to visit any theme park is the quality of the rides. Perhaps I’ve been spoiled living in a state with both Cedar Point and King’s Island. I also grew up in time when they didn’t have height restrictions on roller coasters. My parents took advantage of this and brought me on The Racer at King’s Island when I was but a wee lad. I guess when your child survives cancer at the age of 3 they probably think you can survive anything. According to their accounts I loved the ride and have been hooked ever since. I admit this makes me somewhat bias, but there is no ride at any Disney park that can compete with any of the rides at Cedar Point or King’s Island.

Secondly, people talk about the experience of Disney. I’m sorry but spending a day walking around in the sun and standing in long lines for “Honey, I Shrunk the Audience” is not the experience I’m looking for. Why do I want my picture taken with a guy in a Mickey Mouse suit? Why do I want to learn about different cultures from Mickey Mouse, when I can visit the actual countries? You know I can actually go to Philly or D.C. or wherever, if I want to learn about the Presidents. My point is there is always a better option than Disney. Whatever you can see at Disney you can see it somewhere else that is either equal or better than what Disney is offering.

Thirdly, there was a time that I wanted to go to Disney World. All family plans were thwarted though by some event like family sickness or weather. This happened so many times that Disney World became my lost city of Atlantis, my heaven on earth. Finally the day came when the stars aligned and I was allowed entrance into this Magical Kingdom. An hour later I wanted to go home. The Haunted Mansion? I could build a scary ride with my own hands. Space Mountain? It’s no Beast. Mr. Toad’s Wild Snore? And don’t get me started on the whole “It’s a Small World” shit. The only highlight I can remember is shopping at the magic shop for overpriced cheap gags. All that buildup only to have the air sucked out by cheesy saccharine overloaded mouse.

So, I admit I’m scarred and biased. I also understand that Disney is mainly for children. Yes, I’m not looking forward to the day that my kids (if I ever have any) will beg me to go see Mickey Mouse. But for now I will take solace in the fact that I’m not missing anything by avoiding Disney, no matter what anyone says. Besides, my sister didn’t want to go either, which is another reason I love her. Also, Mickey can’t hold Bug’s jockstrap (even though he probably wants to).