Thursday, May 11, 2006

Dear Fat Man On a Bike:

"Hey skinny man! Why don't you put some fucking meat on your bones?" Why did you say this to me? I was simply walking to my apartment after a long day of sitting in solitary confinement, and out of the blue you felt obliged to comment about my weight in passing? What caused this hostility toward skinny people? Did a gang of skinny kids beat you up as a kid? Are you the only fat guy in your family, and your father berated you? Have you constantly been rejected by women because of your weight? How long have you been riding a bike, because it isn't helping.

As to me putting on weight dear sir, I have in fact tried. Perhaps, I should say my Mom tried. Do you know how much Ensure my Mom attempted to feed me. She tried both the shakes at first, and then moved on to the powder form. For some reason she thought being able to mix the powder into all the major food groups would make me eat more of it. Would you eat anything knowing that someone mixed an unknown white powder into it? She even tried to get me to put it in my Pepsi. None of that worked.

The thing is I don't like being this skinny. In fact I think most guys who are as skinny as me don't like it either. Most women go for the larger guys over the skinny guy. I call it the big bear effect. The bigger men provide a sense of strength and protection that us skinny guys don't. So, I'm sorry something happened to you that makes you hold a grudge against the skinny people of the world. Some of us are blessed/cursed with the inability to gain large amounts of weight. I don't hold the fact that your eat twinkies in your sleep against you. Therefore please don't hold the fact that I can eat a whole pizza and not gain a pound against me. And keep peddling.


The Sound and the Fury said...

Great post!! I, too, was the skinny kid growing up. Jealous of all the bigger kids and getting passed up by girls who thought I couldn't "protect" them.

I learned a few things along the way. #1 you don't have to be heavy to kick somebody's ass. Late in high school/early college, I decided if it was a protector they wanted, it was a protector they'd get. I probably started and ended close to 50 fights in that 2-3 year span. I still have violent tendencies that I have to try real hard and supress to this day at 28 (I found myself actually getting out the car yesterday at a School cross walk/4-way stop because a guy pulled out in front of me thinking it was his turn).

Another thing I had "going for me" in high school was that I looked about 12. So I started cramming weight gainer shakes and pumping iron and got up to around 200 lbs. My face was fat, my stomach was fat, and I looked like shit and pretty much felt like shit. Got girfriends but not the kind I wanted.

Now I'm back down between 180-185, which at 6'1" is alright with me. That brings me to the second thing I learned.

#2 - There is a select population of women who covet the "tall skinny white guy." What's great about it, is that they tend to be of the hot, ethnic varitety. You see, they seem to know something about us that "chunky white soccer moms" do not (maybe because they've been wasting their time on guys with big muscles instead of...)

All I know is that my skinny white ass has been going home to 100% Grade-A, 5'2" 105lb Spanish hotness every night for the past 7 years. Don't bother Googling it guys/girls, yes, in addition to the same height and weight, she does happen to possess Eva Longoria's exact measurements. Doesn't mind me saying it because I'm the "protector" right? I'm supposed to be a fucking asshole.

So, next time you're a victim of anti-Skinny sentiment, your response should be simple...especially when they leave themselves as wide open as to reference "meat on a bone."

Bradford - You may have to explain my sense of humor (or lack thereof) to some of your friends. Especially after this post. But, I'm used it.

Jaime said...

I think skinny white guys are hot! (I'm more into the skinny white short guys though.)

I think it's funny your mom was trying to get you to bulk up. I'm sure it was just guilt, because where did she think that metabolism came from?

MOL Junior said...

SO off!!!

bobby said...

S/F: I'm liking you more and more.

Jaime: I am a skinny white short guy, and I've never in my entire life ever heard anyone say they like my type over another type. Ever. I know you're married, but thanks for the glimmer of hope for me and my kind.

Bradford said...

S/F: You're absolutely correct. I have noticed the ethnic variety of women are drawn to the skinny white guys. As to kicking people's asses I'm always reminded of the Fight Club quote:

Tyler Durden: OK, any historic figure.
Narrator: I'd fight Gandhi.
Tyler Durden: Good answer.
Narrator: How about you?
Tyler Durden: Lincoln.
Narrator: Lincoln?
Tyler Durden: Big guy, big reach. Skinny guys fight 'til they're burger.

Jaime: Perhaps it was a little guilt on Mom's part.

It's not till now that I've noticed the similarities between Bobby and Ben.

PotentialLunchWinner said...

The correct response would have been-

"Hey fatass, why don't you put down the fork?"

But then again, I'm a really immature sonuvabitch, so that's probably not very good advice.

Ben said...

Bobby: I'm glad my wife could offer you a glimmer of hope. Short skinny white guys of the world unite!

faith said...

I love men with shaved heads (not the comb over, or bald...I mean they actually shave their heads) It doesn't matter if he is short, tall, skinny, fat...Patrick stewart or Vin Deasel...I'll take them all.