Hello Ladies! No! Wait! Don’t Run! I’m Clean!

As my friends will attest, I have had a spotty record at best with the female population of our species. To prove my point, I will be posting the top five most awkward/uncomfortable moments over the next couple days. There is no real order to any of these, but you can do it if you want.

1. During my junior year in Cedarville, I was living in an apartment complex with four other friends. There were quite a few Cedarville students that lived in the complex, but none as beautiful as Claire. She lived directly across the courtyard, and was clearly the most attractive woman to ever attend Cedarville. The difference between us was tee-ball and the Majors, she was that far out of my league. I was too naïve and smitten to care.

One wintry morning I decided it was too cold to go to class...again. Watching a rerun of last night'’s Sportscenter, I heard a knock at the door. Who was there? Sweet Claire in all her naturally bronzed skin beauty. She needed a ride to class, and was wondering if I could be her chauffeur. Of course I said yes, because it'’s never too cold for love just class.

This brings us to my car at the time. It was a 1974 Ford Maverick in mustard gold, and with a brown vinyl top. It was my first car ever. I bought it for 900 bucks that summer. Like most men, I gave her a name: Claudia. As you may have noticed the name Claudia is a little similar to Claire.

After being a gentlemen and opening the passenger side door for her, I "school boy skipped" in and started up the car. Amazingly it started in the 20 below weather. The problem came when I tried to back out. The snow had turned to a thick layer of ice that night. Here I had the girl of my dreams in my car and I was left spinning my wheels. Trying to coax a little traction out my car, I started talking to my car. The problem is I kept calling it Claire rather than Claudia. I started saying things like, "Come on! Claire baby," and "“You can do it Claire." Whereas you can imagine her reaction, I didn'’t at the time. That is till I started rubbing the dash of a car and said, "“Come on Claire, you know I love you."” Finally realizing I was saying Claire instead of Claudia, I tried to talk my way out. After trying to explain that my car's real name was Claudia, but I got Claire on the mind because...It was useless. So, the car never got out of the parking space, and Claire was forever creeped out. I still had the balls to ask her out to a baseball game later on. Of course, she said no.

Tomorrow: My Shakespearean Comedy