Saturday, December 23, 2006

Lyin' Givin' and Flirtin'

In preparation for the flight I am currently on today, I had to go into REI for the first time in my life. I went because I needed gloves, thermal underwear, and apparently a burka. The burka though snuck up on me. I was just looking at gloves and saw these wool ski caps with flaps. They also have a string at the top for a reason I have yet to determine. I debated even trying one of those things on, but I gave in. No mirror to see how it looked on me. I just grabbed it and assume I totally have a hat that accentuates the goof in me. I still haven’t tried it on.

Anyway, REI is for those outdoorsy people. The ones that ski, snowboard, spelunk, hike, and camp. I am not one of these people. I think any desire for the outdoors ended when I burned my hand on a rock I used to surround the little fire I built. I’m still a pyro though.

Everyone assumes you must be one of them if you shop at their store. I just wanted something to make sure I don’t freeze in Maine. Next thing I know I’m telling the cashier I’m heading to Maine for a little skiing. Waxed wooden or fiberglass slats have never even come close to these feet. The problem is the cashier gave me options. He asked where I was going. I honestly answered Maine. Then he asked me if it was for “skiing, family, or a little of both.” If he had stopped at “family” I would have answered honestly, but he had to offer a third choice that was part truth and part lie. I couldn’t turn it down. I answered “a little of both.” At that point I realized I might be in some trouble if this conversation extended past my knowledge of skiing. I didn’t know any mountains in Maine. Where do you go skiing in Maine? Providentially, he asked what the weather was like. That I knew. I answered “It supposed to be in the high 30’s when I get there.” Then he tried to sell me a membership. I declined. It will be another 35 years till I step in this store again.

I quickly exited the building. Giving a quick “No thank you” to the Boy Scout Troop offering to wrap gifts. Is there a gift-wrapping badge? I could earn that badge. Wait. I bet they are really anal about the wrapping. I probably couldn’t earn a gift-wrapping badge.

I thought I had escaped the world of outdoors. I saw the daylight. Then some cute earthy girl steps into my escape route and I’m stuck. REI was blaring some ridiculous music outside, so it took three tries for me to understand that she was asking me if I was apart of the California Environmental Group. I could have easily said “No thanks. I have a plane to catch. (In eight hours).” But I’m a sucker for cute earthy girls out for a good cause. This is exactly why I saw “An Inconvenient Truth.” It was all in preparation for this moment! I can now talk pollution with the cute girl in the army hat. So I agreed to listen to what she was selling. “She was looking for donations for the environmental group.” It’s Christmas. I’m giving to anyone who asks…almost everyone. While I filled out the paperwork, she asked me, “Are you a skier, snowboarder, or hiker?” It’s always good to stick with the same lie within a one-mile radius of the original lie. “Skier” I responded. “You going up to Big Bear?” This is the place where the LA skiers and outdoorsy people visit. I said I was going to Maine. We then figured out that-
(They are now showing some Louie Anderson interview on the plane. He looks awful. I’m so putting him on my death list next year.) –we are both from Ohio. How cute. Almost as cute as her. Then the required “Why’d you move out here?” question followed. Turns out she moved out here for the music industry. Aw I bet she wants to be some cute folk alterna-chick singer. I would’ve been totally smitten if I didn’t already know that singers are psycho. So, we finished our transaction with a little wink and on I walked. I feel like I did a little good. Helped the environment. Somehow came across as an outdoorsy skier who enjoys Maine for it’s skiing. Also, education is the most important societal topic, and I think research is the most important in regards to the environment. They correspond with the numbers 1 and 11 on the questionnaire she asked me. Oddly, there was no 9 or 10. It went from 8 to 11. What were choices 9 and 10? It will haunt me.

Wow, this post has turned out longer than I thought. It’s 12:03 in the morning and I’m stuck on a plane set to Boston. I’m very tempted to keep this going to create the longest post in history. Lets give this a try and see where we go.

Taxis make me feel professional for some reason. I also always over tip. Some people complain or question my tipping rational. I’d much rather look like an over spender than a dick of a cheap skate.

Why are people so scared of the self check-in at airports? People were standing in a line that was easily an hour from beginning to end. There was one person in line at the self check-in. It’s not that difficult.

The video entertainment for this flight is CBSsentric. I’m so hoping they show a CSI: Miami spot, so I can scream, “I do research for that f’ing show, suckas!” like a guy on his tenth mini-bottle. Then I’d run up with the special edition DVD and put it on all the screens. “See! I’m on the special features! That’s me! I’m famous! I’m the most famous person on this plane! Someone non-famous give me their business class seat! I need legroom! Give me some leg room!” Then I’d stumble down the isles bitching about Caruso. It would be the greatest celebrity type blow-up by a non-celebrity.

I’m in the middle seat even though I selected the aisle. I hope I don’t have to pee.

This isn’t going to bad.

I just spent thirty minutes trying to find out what the in-flight movie is. I thought the stewardess said it was Flicker. That can’t be right. Maybe she said Flicka. There was a movie recently out called Flicka. I think it’s nice they offer this movie for those who find it difficult to sleep on planes. The anticipation is building to see what movie they are showing. I’ve been stuck watching add for CBS and clips from their shows. Come on. You always lead with the movie and finish with the clips.

Two hours down and three and a half…till I get to Boston. Then a three-hour layover to Boston. Then an hour flight to Bangor. Then a two-hour drive to Calais. Why couldn’t I be born during the age of teleportation? While I’m wishing - Why couldn’t I be born with a voice like Al Green’s?

Who thinks showing a cooking show on a flight is a good idea. It’s called Hannah’s Storm hosted by Hannah Storm. Wow they really mailed it in on that title.

It must be getting late. I’m finding th- CSI: Miami TV ad! Trying to escape the heat? You can’t escape the heat suckas!” Anyway. I’m finding Alyson Hannigan (aka: Willow from Buffy) more and more attractive.

Sweet we are almost to see what the movie is…Flicka! It stars Alison Lohman, who was in that Kevin Bacon movie, “Where the Truth Lies,” where he and Colin Firth played Sinatra and Dean type singers possibly involved in murder. It has the one of the all time “I’m not a girl!” nudity moments. Katie Homes did it in “The C-something.” The weird thing is you always picture her as a underage teenager because of her rolls. Then that scene comes up and you’re completely thrown for a loop, and seriously creeped out. Now she’s playing some underage girl and her horse. I think that’s why most young actresses take up smoking when they hit there late teens. They tire of looking so young and will do anything to add a little age to their face.

I’m not sure what’s going on in this movie, but Maria Bellow just kissed a snake. What kind of movie is this? How badass of a horse can you be if you are named Flicka? I hope the subtitle to this move isn’t “Where Glue Comes From.”

Time to take a nap.

Ok I missed the ending of Flicka. Last I saw was Lohman was having hallucinations because she stood out in the rain too long comforting Flicka who just got mauled. They were going to shoot him, but then the dad comes back with the horse. He says something about there being no reason for the horse to be alive. The mother then says something like, “There’s a reason. It has mustang blood. It’s strong. Just like our daughter.”

That’s when I blacked out and can’t remember anything else. Dialog like that can do it.

I’m in Logan airport now waiting my 3 hours and 50 minutes till the flight to Bangor. Little did I know but the blonde guy with the fierce eyes in Band of Brothers was on my flight.

Logan airport kind of sucks. Maybe I’m just in the low rent district of the airport, but I’ve seen better.

I’ve counted twenty-five pieces of Red Sox clothing.

I couldn’t write this while on the plane, but I’m pretty sure if you combined the two guys I was sitting between you would get my brother Sam.

Ok, this is the end of part one. Technically this is a three page post in Word. I apologize now for those who have actually made it this far. And yet more is to come.


Jeff said...

This was GREAT! I read every word. I like this kind of deal...

I think, though, Louie Anderson is already dead. Am I wrong on that?

Yeah, I understand the LONG travel day, but... really, can't it be KIND of fun? The plane transfers and the car trip... to MAINE (to me, honestly, that sounds kind of exotic). Then, finally getting to some remote spot. Just the journey from BUSY LA to QUIET MAINE. Don't step in any S. King blood spilt on the roadway, up there.


I wish you would have brag-ranted re: CSI:M on the plane.

Hey, as I write this, I see the cover box, to the side, for Psi-Ops and think, "That guy looks like Stephen Baldwin." Am I right? The Christian Baldwin.

Here's to Bradford, Man of the World!

Ben said...

This post made my wife laugh her head off.

Mandy said...

Yeah, Jaime was going crazy.

Why *are* people afraid of self check-in??? It's a blessing!