Friday, March 07, 2008

American Idol Season 7 Primer

Here we are kids down to are Final 12. That means it's a return of the American Idol recaps. Before next weeks show I thought I'd catch everyone up who doesn't watch regularly. I'd hate for you to feel left out. That's what my baseball posts are for.

How about I go through who is left in this "singing" competition?

David "Teen Beat" Archuleta - As I stated before, it is pretty much already a lock that this kid is going to win. The teen girls adore him beyond comprehension. All the chinks in his heartthrob armor ( disturbing humility, loves singing depressing songs, may have already peaked in the competition, Mormon) will go unnoticed by these hormone raging teen girls. And we all know they are the ones that vote like it's life and death.

Ramiele "Short Round" Malubay - Typical small girl with a big voice. Nobody seems to know how to dress her. Each night she looks like she's going out to do laundry not sing on a nationally televised show. I don't think she has a great chance because I don't think she can sing anything but power ballads.

Kristy Lee "Headlights" Cook - She barely beat out my girl Asia'h because of two things: her willingness to flaunt cleavage, and she added enough twang to get the country vote. I can't see her lasting more than two weeks. She's awful.

Michael "Tiny Dancer" Johns - My nickname for him makes no sense, but let me explain. I thought he was a front runner early on based on looks, Aussie accent, and decent rocker voice. The problem is every time he performs he goes into his imitation Jim Morrison dance. It's become beyond annoying for me simply because "Tiny Dancer" always starts going through my mind when he performs. Like I said it makes no sense. Also, he lacks personality.

David Hernandez - Maybe his nickname should be "Tiny Dancer" considering the recent controversy surrounding the recent news that he stripped at a gay bar. I still haven't come up with a nickname yet that is blog appropriate. I don't think I will have to worry too long though. He hit his peak with "Papa Was a Rolling Stone."

Amanda "Cruella" Overmeyer - She's simply scary. Yet, you think if she allowed someone to, they could cute her up. Still, she can't sing at all. She acts like she' already done with this whole competition. I'm expecting she won't make it two weeks.

Jason "Stoner" Castro - Everybody likes that one stoner guy they know. He's always friendly and never really has a bad thing to say about anybody. His haze reduced filter leads to enjoyable honesty. Thing is he was never featured ever till the final 24. He doesn't have a strong voice, but knows how to accentuate his strengths. My main dark horse in this competition.

Carly "The Ringer" Smithson - Actually, there are about four or five ringers this year, but she had a music video made for her single from an actual album. That makes her the head ringer in this group. I'm surprised her previously having all that has lead to more fan backlash getting her voted off. She does though have a good voice. She always picks a bad song to sing though.

Syesha "The Bitch" Mercado - She has actually not shown any inclination that she is in fact a bitch. I am simply drawing this conclusion from two things. First, she lists her occupation as actress, and has already referenced it in one of her interviews. If there is one thing I've learned working in Hollywood is that 90% of all actors and actresses are or soon become bitchy. You will be charmed by their charisma and seeming openness. One day though something will snap and all hell will break loose followed by cats and dogs living together and then mass hysteria. This is why I kinda hope she lasts for awhile. I want to see cats and dogs living together on American Idol. Oh, I forgot about the second reason...her blank stares when the judges critique her. It looks like she immediately goes into self affirmation mode. "It doesn't matter what they say. You are beautiful and talented. You are a star no matter what anyone says."

Chickezie "Jacuzzi" Eze - My man doesn't really need a nickname, but Simon's flub works. Completely likable fellow. He can talk back to the judges and have it not sound like he's a whiny bitch. He is clearly having fun out there. Unfortunately, American Idol hates black men.

Brooke "Goody Two Shoes" White - I will admit I'm kinda in love with her. She also kinda creeps me out. Maybe it's just me. She claims to have never seen an "R" rated movie. Just hearing that gives me flashbacks to my childhood. She's selling herself as this overly good person. Still, I pretty sure I can see a "bad" side to her. I guess I have issues. Anyway, she doesn't have the strongest voice, but she's the smartest contestant this year. Nearly, every decision of hers has been spot on. Her acoustic "Love is a Battlefield" was really good.

David Cook - Three David's? Good grief. This one is the rocker of the bunch. He's so much the rocker that he even incorporates playing an electric guitar in his performances. He's also bland. Very very bland. His remake of Lionel Richie's "Hello" was cheesy fun. If he keeps taking chances like that he might survive for awhile. Still working on his nickname too.

Other Thoughts - After this season they need to find new judges. Their own personal banter is becoming a henderence to the show by excluding both the viewer and the contestant. Shouldn't Simon know that the lead singer of Queen is Freddie Mercury and not "that guy?" He's already screwed up twice on naming the artist who originally sang the song. And once again has not heard a couple songs that are fairly popular. Paula is just worthless. Randy's critiques have become nothing but catch phrases. Even when he disagrees with Simon he just spouts catch phrases. If Idol don't make more decisive adjustments this might be the beginning of the end for Idol.


Anonymous said...

I don't watch Idol, but I love your posts about it, they are better than the show, and the nicnames are hillarious!


Mandy said...

Your posts trick me into thinking that I like American Idol.

bobby said...

Didn't want to get caught up in it again, but did anyway.

My pick, not to win, but to have a passionate one-month-long plate-throwing love affair with, is Syesha. How she move!

Jason Castro sang Hallelujah and it became my favorite performance of any song I've seen in the show's history. That was great. Also, if they ever wanted to do a Battlefield Earth prequel about Travolta's character, here's your man.

Kristy Lee Cook clearly has some kind of secret deal with the judges. She's the most unappealing hot girl I've ever seen, mostly cause, you know, she can't sing to tie her shoe.

Here's my prediction for Brook White: the other contestants will secretly rig a bucket of blood to fall on her head, she'll go crazy and tear up the auditorium with only her mind. If not that specific scenario, she will at least, at some point, if she makes it far enough, have a huge emotional breakdown on stage.

Finally, Ramiele Malubay should not be subjected to bright light, be allowed to get wet, or be fed after midnight.