Tuesday, March 18, 2008

American Idol Recap (Feels Like The First Time Edition)

Welcome back kids. In case this blog is the only way you keep up with Idol, let me get you up to speed from last week. David Hernandez, the former stripper, got the boot. This means more people liked Headlights butchering of a Beatles' classic than ever thought possible. More than likely more people liked her headlights. Anyway that leaves us with eleven contestants battling for the opportunity to flail away in a pool of mediocrity for an additional fifteen minutes in front of millions of people.

We are back at Idol's new set, which someone defined as "Thunderdomish," which I completely agree with. Only there's a hint of Tronity to it as well. Anyway, Seacrest tells us all that back by popular demand it's Beatles night all over again. I really would like to ask who's popular demand has wrought this upon us? You sure you don't want to save the songs for another season? Two nights in a row of Beatles songs sung by amateurs? Help us all. Oh wait. Last week was Lennon/McCartney night. Tonight is Beatles night. Completely different...

I would like to point out one good thing about the Beatles catalogue being made available. Rock Band! Word is they are most likely going to be in Guitar Hero. That's ridiculous. There aren't exactly a lot of shredding guitar solos in their music. Back to the show.

Cruella is the first one up tonight to sing a song that will sound like every other song he has sung. Her song choice of the night is "Back in the U.S.S.R." That seems about right. How did she get this far in the competition? She can't really sing. She is though comfortable on stage. It is just the same thing week after week, Simon. Thank you for just catching up. I do like her attitude toward this competition. She is honest. Still she's bottom rung on the talent scale.

Headlights is the interview hot seat. Aw, she brought along something for show and tell. That's always a good indicator of where you think you are in this competition. If cleavage isn't helping enough, use props. That sounds dirtier than I planned. Oh, it's a photo album. Yeah, I think we are past cute animal pictures saving you in this competition. The song she will butcher tonight is "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away." I'm already bored with tonight. Not a good sign. Well, at least she was better than last week, but really what could be worst. Simon calls her musical wallpaper. I think he spent all week trying to come up with that. Tell me she didn't plan that "blow you out of your socks" line. Dirty.

The now slightly tarnished Chosen One follows that mess up with "The Long and Winding Road." See, your Chosen One can only do slow songs too. Do the producers tell the crowd to wave their hands. This is boring too. He's been groomed and manufactured for this type of competition, but I think the desire for something different is going to hurt him. The girls still love him though. I mean they are crazy for him. Amazing? Simon? Really? I won't remember that performance. See, last her Bobble Head could do any style at any time. The Chosen One can only do ballads. That will hurt him.

Oooh blatant product placement of an iPhone. The poor girl looks like a deer in headlights. Tiny Dancer is up with his rendition of "A Day in the Life." Talk about a difficult song to piece together. It's so disjointed. Kind of a mess. Simon agrees with me on this. Ok, do we need these dedications? I'm certain his heart is the right place in choosing it in honor of his friend who passed away but it comes across as shady and using it for votes. I thought he was a shoo in to the top four, but he has stunk it up the past few weeks.

Ah, Goody Two Shoes is up in her Big Bird inspired ensemble. Still awfully cute. She will be singing "Here Comes the Sun." Which seems perfect for both her and stoner. Almost predictable. Not as good as last week. She has trouble commanding a stage and just having a microphone up there. It was really flower childish. She's sooo nice she even comes to the defend of the judges. Really? I think she even out nices Bobble Head from last year. Can it all be real?

David Cook is up after the break. He apparently got into a little trouble for using another band's composition of "Elanor Rigby." Seems a little ridiculous. Didn't The Chosen One do Stevie Wonder's version of "We Can Work it Out?" Is it because he said it was Wonder's version? Either way, it wasn't as good as everyone said it was. "Day Tripper" is his song of choice. He somehow found a version Whitesnake did. So I guess you do need to say who's version it is. Oh, did I just gloss over the fact that Whitesnake did a version of "Day Tripper?" Sorry. Whitesnake did a cover of "Day Tripper?" Shouldn't that have been destroyed years ago? Wait Whitesnake was around in the late 70's? That has to be a Spinal Tap like thing right? Hello wikipedia. They were apparently a bluesy rock band before they went all Led Zeppelin glam. Sweet Mother Hubbard he has talk box (ala Peter Frampton's "Do You Feel Like We Do"). This is going to suuuuuck. Ok, so it's not awful, but I'm really just waiting for the talk box! I can't believe he pulled out the talk box. Get to the talk box! Talk Box! Um, he didn't really talk. Maybe he just sucks at it. Still...Talk Box! Simon didn't like it that much. He does think he's becoming a bit of the bees knees. This is the longest paragraph written tonight.
He just got his nickname too. Talk Box!

Here's The Ringer. She will be singing "Blackbird" which is the song Simon and Paula were just bickering about at Seacrest's goading. Seems like forced coincidence to me. Sounds like a show tune version to me. I think Simon is just on a rampage tonight. Are the performances as good as Paula and Randy say? No. Were they as bad as Simon thinks? No. I've said it before. I'll say it again. They need new judges.

Stoner takes the stage to do "Michelle." Another awkward performance because he's on stage without his guitar. Just stand at the microphone if you suck at moving around. It's ok. You can't all be Chikezie. Also, don't pick songs where you have to sing French. Yes Simon! We shouldn't have had Beatles night. Why didn't you do something about it?

The Bitch will follow the commercials with "Yesterday." Which is very Idolish, and very predictable. I'm surprised nobody did it last week. Should be very standard and boring. Looks like she is taking a cue from Headlights and turning hers on. Good grief. She's acting the sadness so hard it's comical. Again, holy cleavage! Paula bought her fake vulnerability. Simon says it's her best performance. Maybe, but I don't believe her.

We finish the night off with Chikezie! Simon drags an old man from the crowd. I think he was just there to play bingo and got lost. That's a bingo card in his pocket right? Chikezie will be singing "I've Just Seen a Face," and he will be playing an instrument he just learned to play this week. Why? Unless you are lying to cover your mediocre playing ability which is probably true. That instrument...harmonica. Oh Chikezie. Ok. What just happened? Unlike Randy, I thought the slower part was going fine until he went country again. And the harmonica? I really don't know what happened. If he had kept it slow it would have been good bordering on quite good. The harmonica was like an e-brake only the car flipped instead of stopped. The problem is he is so charismatic on stage that you almost buy into it.

Apparently I jumped the gun. Short Round will be out last performer. I actually believe that Goody Two Shoes mothers Short Round. She's so cute and adorable. How can you not want to protect her. Tonight she will be singing "I Should Have Known Better." Nice it's an upbeat song. Much more personality this time. Not great, but she showed she can have fun. I will agree with Simon that the contestants have picked odd and not that great of songs. Beatles night was clearly a bad idea. Tonight was basically a mess. Way to go producers for taking too much of a bad thing. At least we had a talk box. Bring on the guest advisers.

I think this is the week Headlights goes home. She still didn't do well enough to get out of the votes basement.


Anonymous said...

Oh my word you are so funny!

I wish you guys got Canadian Idol, then you could give me a play by play of that!

I still haven't seen one epp. this season (I usually manage to watch about 1/3 of a show around about this time in the season) and I'm thinking of watching a whole show so I can laugh and see what you see. I'll have to pick a time when I haven't just had dinner so that there is no chance of vomiting. :)


Anne Marie said...

Oh Brad...I so disagree with you about these recaps. Let me point out the main problems:
-Brooke is sickly, horribly, painfully sweet. Only men could possibly buy into her. I think she is sad sad sad. American Idol should have a movement audition, because last night she looked like she had been on antipsychotics too long.
- Ramiele (did they change the way they pronounced her name recently?-didn't it used to be ram-el-y?) is lame.
-David Cook and Tiny Dancer weren't that bad.
-The main point is that Brooke is rid-unc-ulous.
-I'm with you about the Ringer, though. Blackbird is a simple song, and she soooo blew it by belting.

bobby said...

Agreed Anne Marie. I've said it before, if Brooke sticks around another few weeks, we'll get to see an apolalyptic meltdown. Probably on the night she gets the ax. Lasers from the eyes. I can't wait.

Bradford said...

Look, I admit Brooke is crazy sweet. I'm certain at any moment she could snap and start killing everyone in the audience. In fact she comes across as your typical horror movie killer. It's always the too sweet but too controlling goody two shoes that kills everyone for having sex or forgetting to dust. All I'm saying is that I'm kind of attracted to it. Also, I'm not saying that that is a good thing.

I haven't given Ramiele props since her Dusty Springfield song. She still doesn't know how to dress.

Talk Box is a perfect example why mainstream rock sucks these days.

Tiny Dancer's song was awful last night. Did you hear his cat screech of a falsetto? Awful arrangement and wrong song.

Anonymous said...

ok, so I watched the 'opening song' on American idol last night and that was all I could do...was it just me or were they lipsincing? I couldn't point out any of them.

...and who is the guy with the dreads? Or was it just curly hair or messy hair? When I first saw him I thought he was a girl, but he was singing with the guys...so I guess he's a guy.