Friday, June 23, 2006

Irrational Fears of the Little Ones

It seems everyone around me has recently given birth or is close to it. It kind of got me thinking about what if I had my own little Itens. Not that I'm even close to having my own. If I remember that sex ed. video correctly, there was something about a woman needing to be involved. I could be mistaken though. While pondering little Itens, you would think that I would dwell upon all the good things like taking them to their first baseball game or teaching them to ride a bike or how to execute a super jump in Super Mario Bros. You would be wrong. Of course I started having irrational fears. I say irrational because they aren't the fears of affording the kids education or health concerns. I should also point out that I can't handle kids near railings. I actually I have to walk away any time a kid is near a railing because it freaks me out. I don't care if the railing is six inches taller than the kid. I always imagine the worse. Even that isn't what I was fearing. Hear are some of the ridiculous fears that ran through my mind:

1. What if the kid hates all sports with a passion? Or even worse, becomes a Yankees fan?

2. What if the kid becomes a hippie whose record collection consists of only Phish and Grateful Dead albums? It could happen when they rebel against my love of electronic gadgets.

3. Maybe they will become a metal kid who thinks singing is when a guy imitates the Cookie Monster.

4. What if they always want to go to bed early and wake up early?

5. What if my love of baseball causes them to turn into one of those idiot jocks or starts dating them?

6. What happens if he turns out right handed and ends my plans to turn him into a left handed pitcher. You see left handed pitchers will always be desired in baseball. Look at Terry Mullholland. That's job security!

7. When's the appropriate age for the son or daughter to beat the father at something. If they beat me in a game of HORSE at the age of five haven't I lost any chance of gaining their respect?

8. What if they really really love musicals and I'm stuck seeing Grease three times a week?

9. What would I do if the kid ends up being the dumbest one in the family and he/she doesn't end up being potty trained till he's in high school?

10. What if they end up being a real life Doogie Hauser?

11. What if they end up having kids?

3 comments:

Jaime said...

You could teach Moira to be a left handed pitcher.

And we do know people who have a 4 year old boy that loves musicals. They gave the kid the Grease soundtrack and he started singing choice bits about virginity etc. at church in front of the children's director. Too perfect.

PotentialLunchWinner said...

"Maybe they will become a metal kid who thinks singing is when a guy imitates the Cookie Monster."

there is nothing wrong with that, sir.

Bradford said...

I'm sorry PLW I like my metal vocalists like Halford, Dio, Dickinson, etc.