You have no matches

Dating is an important facet of life. It's where a person sifts through the billions of people on this planet to find their true love, or at least the person they can stand the most. But since the days of arranged marriages and dowries are gone, this process has become rather difficult. But luckily for us, there are various people and organizations willing to aid us, for a price, with their self-help books, ladies nights, speed dating, and of course dating websites. Now, dating is completely foreign to me. Those instances where I have been in a relationship it's much like the Red Sox winning the World Series; grandparents die happy having lived to witness it, fathers can't wait to retell the event to their children, mothers end up naming their kids after those involved. Unfortunately in the end my relationships are more like 1986 with Vin Scully saying "A little roller up along first . . .". I've never signed up with an online dating service. My Step-father and a few friends have used them and even with some success. Which is great for them, but I still laugh at them behind their backs.
What I am a sucker for is personality tests. Ever since those test in high school that somehow told you what career track you'd be best suited for I was hooked. As a geek in high school you get rare instances of superiority. One of those was seeing the class president find out he was best suited for custodial services. That probably isn't true, but it's how I like to remember it. From then on I've become hooked on any test where through their questions I can apparently find out something about myself.
This brings us to eHarmony. In case you haven't caught the commercials, they claim to have an extensive questionnaire that can help you find out not only more about yourself, but what you are looking for in a relationship. Now you can imagine how my lip quivered when I realized there was a test that could tell me all of this. Luckily this "Personality Profile" is free, and I immediately signed up. The questionnaire is rather long. There are "...500 questions designed to profile the 29 Dimensions that scientific research has shown that are crucial to long term success in relationships." Now I don't anything about these dimensions. Well, except for the 8th Dimension that Dr. Banzai entered, and that event nearly caused the end of the world. It took me maybe 40 minutes for me to get through the questionnaire. And like all the other questionnaires you never really do learn anything you didn't know before. But the intriguing thing is at the end you can have the site find your matches. Always being the kid who would press the "Don't Touch" button, I clicked it, and waited...and waited. Who do these people think I'm best suited for? After sitting with my fingers crossed hoping for an Audrey Hepburn look-a-like I finally got the response: "No Matches." No Matches? I'm not that surprised. In fact I'm kind of proud of not getting any matches. It reinforces whatever slight ego that I have. It proves I'm not meant for the world of online dating. The problem I have is that they asked me to revise my profile in order to increase my chances of a match. Now I'm going to assume that everyone who takes these tests does the same thing I do: lie. Now it's not straight out lying. It's just putting a little polish on the rough spots. It's human nature to paint the best picture of yourself. Which is why eHarmony asking me to revise my profile is even more baffling. Even with the polish I'm unmatchable? EHarmony is telling me that in order for me to find a match I'm going to need to lie even more. Does this happen to everyone? Can nobody find a match unless they completely lie about themselves? How is this good for me or others on the site? All those happy couples on the commercials are in for big wake up call. He: "Your profile said you weren't bitchy!" She: "Yours said you liked to cuddle!" Well screw you Dr. Neil Clark Warren. I'm spending Thanksgiving with a sweet heart of a girl I met through Friendster. And Friendster's free!

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone from me the hypocrite.


Things of Interest:

This time I have only my new addiction.

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