Do We Need a Two Hour American Idol Finale?

With this season of American Idol wrapping up, I thought it'd be good to do another newbie recap. Last night I was actually blessed? to watch the show with a few American Idol fans. I joined uber-couple Mike O. and Allyson, and the very pregnant and adorable Ildy. All three are Idols fans, so I was at least able to view it through the eyes of fans. For the record, Mike O. and Ildy are part of the "Soul Patrol?" and Allyson has a bad case of McPheever. On to the show.

Oooh. Seacrest is standing alone in the darkness as he rambles on like this show will solve the world peace. Which is ridiculous because we all know the FIFA World Cup is going to do that, or at least that's what Bono says. Anyway, the Kodak Center lights up and the people go nuts. Seacrest keeps talking, I tune out-wait is that Ben Stiller trying to hide from the cameras? Could he get the standing room only tickets? There's Tyrese, and 90210's Brenda looking tore up. I at least she's making an effort to be a good step-mom to her husband's kids. Still, why haven't people learned to say no to plastic surgery? Is it like tattoos where once you start you can't stop? I'm still baffled by this. I could maybe see a nose job or a boob job if you are that self conscious about it, but when you start doing face lifts and tucks things go to hell. But I'm getting away from the American Idol.

So the final two contestants are the cute McPhee and El MOL clone Hicks. Apparently they flipped a coin and Hicks won, so he will be singing last each round. At this point I have to be thinking those behind the Idol curtain have to be hoping McPhee wins. I realize Hicks has a huge following and is the front runner, but how marketable is he? I can't see him being more than the goofy guy that covers R&B songs. He is though the only contestant that actually performs with any kind of personality. Anyway, my point is I'm fully expecting to see the show rigged in McPhee's favor. I may be wrong with Hicks winning the coin toss. On to round one.

McPhee comes out and does that song about a blackbird and a cherry tree. Didn't she already perform this? Are all these songs going to be repeats? Ridiculous. Are they not allowed to sing new songs? I don't understand this. McPhee cutes her way through her performance. I'll admit I find her awfully attractive in that bouncy cute take home to Mom kind of way. Still, her weakness is she's a big voice ballad girl. I don't think she could pull off a "Since You've Been Gone." I wonder what's the over/under when she moves into diva mode. Side note: I was glad that I wasn't the only one who noticed that her belly button seemed abnormally high on her stomach. In fact it looked like she didn't even have a belly button. Completely weirded me out.

Hicks comes out and "dances" his way through Stevie Wonder. It's clear he won this round within five seconds of the song. McPhee you should've started out big. Always open with a bang, and that's what Hicks did. Also, do they keep Paula in a padded cell between shows? Is there an IV of drugs running under the table? Is she really a robot learning about human emotions. I think I saw a similar episode in Star Trek. Round one goes to the Soul Patrol.

Aww they brought all the losers back to sit in the audience. Seacrest even has the Creed wanna-be stand up and then completely blows him off. Is that his girlfriend sitting next to him? Yeah, that's going to last till some groupie approaches him after performing at the Teluca County Fair. The biggest surprise is how Lita Ford suddenly transformed into a tan in the can soccer mom. It's like she aged 20 years in a month. Round two.

McPhee does Over the Rainbow while sitting down. She does better this time. Has she already sung this too? Everyone seems to love it. Simon says it's her best performance ever. Hmm. My only question is what does she have with singing while sitting? Does she do this every show?

Hicks does a repeat as well of Elton John's "Levon." I'm completely bored at this point. Any investment into this talent show has fully evaporated. If they did new songs, I might be a little more interested. It's like finding out they are showing a repeat of Lost...again. If I wasn't with friends I would be watching the Pistons-Heat game. Simon gives round two to McPhee. I concur.

Before they head out to commercial Seacrest says McPhee will be singing her new single next? New single? So she already has a contract? I'm confused. Is Hicks going to sing his new single? Does this mean they both have contracts? If so, then this whole thing is pointless. I wonder if the powers that be knew Hicks was going to win, so they signed McPhee as a back up plan. Hicks must be so far ahead in votes that they see it as already locked up.

Time for the new songs. McPhee comes out and does a hack job on a shitty song. Maybe the PTB are rigging this for Hicks. That song isn't written for McPhee it's too low. Did I mention that the song is awful. I like that they brought out a choir to distract from the song. Or maybe the blue man group tryouts were next door. Either way this whole thing is painful. McPhee even knows it. She can't do anything with this song, and has absolutely no confidence. The judges try to be nice. You know how things went when their first comment is how good you looked. It's officially locked up. Hicks is your American Idol.

As the coronation begins, Hicks now sings his new single. Who the hell is writing these songs? This song doesn't play to Hicks strengths either. This is a song for that Creed guy not Hicks. The thing is anyone can crap out a bad ballad. I imagine who or what ever cranks out these songs doesn't have a lot of time to do them, and they have to be generic so no matter who wins can sing it. There's no reason for this single crap. Let them cover another song and have the winner sing one single when they win. Hicks does a better job with his song anyway. Do they even need to bother with the votes? Simon even concedes that Hicks is your winner.

Seacrest wraps its up. McPhee even knows she's lost. It's written all over her face. Don't worry McPhee. I'm sure Beauty and the Beast on Broadway would give you a shot as Beauty.

I'm interested to see how they fill up two hours of clips. Just not interested enough to actually watch it.

Who Knew I Was This Much of a Nerd?

Ok, so I know I have nerd tendencies. I don't fight these tendencies, but do try to keep them in check. They could get out of hand since I have such an addictive nature. I could easily become a junkie on one snort. Well, I've gone to the darkside of nerdom. When I finally bought my Xbox 360, I was debating on what game to get along with it. I wanted something that would last me till Prey and then Gears of War came out. I picked up Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion. It's a role playing game and I thought that would occupy me for awhile. I could play it in little increments and pass the time when I hit writer's block or need to just relax. Well it's stolen my soul. The main quest in the game is to close these Oblivion gates that have sprung up in the land and return the long lost son of the murdered king to throne. I've had this game for two weeks, and have barely even touched that quest. The game is huge. I closed one gate at the beginning, and haven't touched one since. In fact, I've walked by numerous gates without thinking twice. I had better things to do than close some stupid gates. There was the paranoid guy that wanted me to see if certain people were following him. When I told him they weren't following him, he then tried to kill me because he thought I was in on it. I also had to go save a painter who was trapped in one of his paintings. I had to kill painted trolls with turpentine to get out of there. I also had the task of finding a lady's husband who had disappeared when he tried to settle some gambling debts. Turns out he was sent to some island to retrieve a special axe to clear his debt. Turns out it was all a set-up to involve him into a game where he becomes the prey to hunters. It's just like that Van Damme and John Woo movie, Hard Hunted! I of course had to kill the hunters and find a way out. Unfortunately, I got back in time to see the organizer kill the husband. It was a sad day when I returned to tell the wife he had been killed. Still, she gave me a sweet book for my effort. Then there's all the quests once you join the mage's, fighters', or thieves guild. I've done all of this and only scratched the surface. The game also look fantastic. There are a few glitches, but the world is so huge that it's excusable. I've played maybe twenty hours of this game over the past two weeks, and I've only scratched the surface. It's consumed me in the most embarrassing way. It's gotten so bad, I think about what to do next in the game while at work. How sad. Yet, I can't wait to go back to the shipwreck and find the body of the ghost so I can release it from the world. Or, maybe I should go see that Count and figure out why the necromancers have been attacking people lately? Or maybe...

Obscure Celebrity Crushes of My Youth

Farrah Fawcett, Bo Derek, Pamela Anderson, Christie Brinkley, Michelle Pfeiffer, Meg Ryan, there's a long list of celebrities that held the male population enthralled. Growing up, my celebrity crushes were not what you would consider top bill actresses. I don't know why I picked these women over the hottest trend in celebrity crushes. Maybe it was because they appeared more attainable. Maybe it's because I lean toward brunettes while blondes are usually the entertainment world's taste. Maybe I prefer classic over bombshell. I don't know. Anyway, here are some that came to mind when I first posed this question.

First of all, how great was Remote Control? Second, why couldn't anyone win the final round? Did they purposefully pick people that never watched MTV? Third, who could've predicted Adam Sandler would be the breakout star from that show. My money was on Kari Wuhrer. Sure, Colin Quinn had that devil may care Irish attitude going on, but Denis Leary kind of put his whole stamp on that already. Ms. Wuhrer though had spunk and the looks, and the smile. Oh how I enjoyed her Kondensed Klassics. Yes, Ms. Wuhrer you went on and did other things like a few Skinemax movies, but I will always though think of you as the Remote Control girl. Yes, you were part of the reason I saw Eight Legged Freaks in the theater. No, Arquette wasn't the other reason.

I only remember Lucy Deakins from The Great Outdoors. She was the semi-bad townie girl that the son fell in love with. I think she was also in Little Nikita. I could be wrong though.









Wow, do you see a pattern here? Jean Louisa Kelly first registered with my teenage crush when she appeared in Uncle Buck. Man, that's two Candy movies. Weird. Anyway, Ms. Kelly has actually gone on to do many other things, which has led her to be in my top ten of celebrity crushes. She tempted Dreyfuss in Mr. Holland's Opus. She was the AT&T girl during my grad years. And now she's in that awful sitcom "Yes Dear." I admit now I did actually watch the first few episodes. The odd thing was that I met a girl in grad school that kind of looked like her, but that's a whole other post that will never see the light of day.



I know all the guys drooled over Kelly in "Saved By The Bell." They were all wrong. Lark Voorhies who played Lisa was clearly the babe of the three even with her big hair.










Kerri Green, you nearly died trying to find an old pirate ship in Goonies. Then you nearly got Corey Haim killed in Lucas as he tried to prove his was worthy of your love. Why does death surround you so? Also, I did an IMDB check on her, and she was in "Summer Rental." That's three Candy movies. Look, I'm as bewildered as you are. I don't know what it means.







Has neon blue ever looked so attractive? Why would you want to leave the computer world when Cindy Morgan was in it? I would also like to point out that this crush began with Tron. It wasn't till much later that I saw Caddyshack. I wasn't allowed to watch the 'R' movies back then.






Amanda Peterson, what ever happened to you? Anyway, I completely understood why Ronald "rented" you. I would've given up my comic book collection for you. Ok, the whole "rented" part is just now creeping me out, and I've seen the movie quite a few times. Also, this is one of those movies that led me to believe the nerd could get the girl by doing things that while cute in movie land are actually creepy in real life. I still have some emotional scars thanks to Dempsey.

So, there are some of them, and I'm certain my siblings will remind me of the ones I missed.

Screener Hell

It's that time of year kids. Hiatus means many things to many people in the television business. One of those things is screeners. Screeners are what companies send out academy members to remind them to vote for their show when the Emmys come along. Every hiatus boxes upon boxes start flooding our mailbox. Inside are attempts at packaging creativity. Apparently packaging has an influence over the quality of the show on the DVD. Some are pretty clever. For example, for the show "Everyone Hates Chris" the DVD was sent out in a box the shape of those milk cartons you got at school for a quarter. Some are simple standard DVD cases. Some are slick portfolio pieces that could pass for coffee table books. Some though cross the line and venture into the realm of absurd lavishness. This year's winner arrived today. In fact it might be the winner of the decade. It's for the Ten Commandments mini-series, and lucky for you I took pictures.Simple enough box with fake leather for that bible feel. Then you open it up.
Yes, those are plastic "Ten Commandments." Ooooh. And they're written in the original language! Ben I, could you please transcribe them? For all I know, they are actually the cast listing. But where are the DVD's? A lavish box and all I get is a couple toy commandments? Oh it says here on the insert: "Thou Shalt Lift Tablets for Emmy DVD Screener."What do ya know? The tablets are magnetic, so they stick to the box. I don't even want to know how much this cost, and how many of these were even sent out. Can't they do something better with the money spent on this crap? Do they think this actually has an impact on how people vote? "Hmmm. Who should I vote for in best Miniseries? Ten Commandments did give me toy tablets. I'll vote for them." On second thought I bet everyone will remember this crap, so maybe it does work on that level. Who really remembers what miniseries were aired in what year? I would like to thank Rescue Me for sending out the all the episodes of Season 2 in a simple DVD case. Actually, I should thank Ann who passed it on to me.

Happy Birthday Ben I!

Along with celebrating Mother's Day, our family celebrates our mother's gift to us: my brother Ben I. Thirty years ago, an ornery little squirt was brought into this world. Looks wise we were complete opposites, but we enjoyed the same things. We watched TV.

Played in the leavesLucky for me, Mom never dressed me like a sailor.

For many years after that we were the dynamic duo.

Don't be deceived by Ben I's stature. Back in the day, he was a wolverine when it came to fights. Sure his fuse was a little short when he was young, but his heart was in the right. His early fights were always in my defense or a friends. In South Carolina, we ran the "circle" once we showed up. We built forts and tunnels out in the woods. We once got lost for almost two hours. That might have been my fault, but I still think it was the other kids' fault for running off and leaving us behind.

Anyway, even up through high school we still would still go play by the railroad tracks, and spend the late night hours of summer just being brothers. Eventually, I had to go to college, and I came back to find a mature and confident little brother. He was no longer my little sidekick. He had his own entourage of friends. Then some girl named Jaime kept hanging around too.
One day I was driving Ben and myself from Dad's house to Mom's. He was in his first year of college and I was languishing in my after college life. We were shooting the shit, when Ben matter of factly said he was married to that Jaime girl. After the initial shock and a swear to secrecy, I was honored that I was the first family member to know. I will always remember that.

While my hair got thinner, his got longer. He and Jaime also added to our family. He gave Mom her first grandkid. Okay, Jaime did most of the work. There was nothing like seeing Mom with Moira and eventually Evie.Thirty years have passed and I'm proud to call Ben my brother. Through the years we survived the crazy guy on the motorcycle, babysitter Peggy, brotherly arguments, and numerous fireworks mishaps, and I wouldn't change a thing. Happy Birthday little brother. I leave you with one of Ben I's early moments of zen.

Now, It's Not Even Funny.

Meet the Kansas City Royals of the National League, yooouuuuur Chicago Cubs. Wow. They really suck! In fact that might be a little harsh associating the Royals with the Cubs right now. The Cubs have lost 12 of their last 13 games. It's become utterly painful to watch them find creative ways to lose. Back in 1997 the Cubs started the season 0-14, that sucked as well but there was a certain comical nature behind it. They trotted out a goat at home games to try to end the losing streak. Back then nothing was really expected. Now? Now, the fans are waiting for something to go wrong so they can boo. The players are doing their best to make those fans happy. From three error innings to back to back wild pitches to stupid base-running blunders, the Cubs have done it all. I have yet to watch a full game since this losing started, it's become that unbearable. It's one thing to watch a team get beat, yet still enjoy watching them because they are still playing the game the right way. To watch your team lose because they don't hit the cut-off man or can't seem to take a pitch is completely different. Now I've had people say they could turn things around once they get Wood and Prior back. Those people aren't Cubs fans. They haven't previously invested their hope in those two for the past four years only to see a trainer walk them off the mound. Others have pointed out that this could get Dusty booted, which has to be a positive. Sure, that could happen, and I wouldn't be opposed to Dusty being sent packing. The problem I've had is that I don't think this is all Dusty's fault. This problem of not drawing walks, baserunning blunders, and damaged talent was a problem before Dusty. So why would it change if he leaves? I think this whole system needs to be restructured from the ground up. Changes need to be made starting at the Chicago Tribune and ending at the batboy for the Mesa Cubs. The Cubs need to stop trying to find pieces, and start building a team. For this season, I'd see if the injury riddled Yankees would like Jacque Jones and or Juan Pierre? Call up Pie. I'd see if the Mets would be interested in Prior for Milledge. See what talent you can get for Aramis Ramirez. Heck, trade Zambrano if the deal's good enough. I don't know what you could get for the three man platoon of Walker, Hairston, and Dusty's man-crush Neifi Perez. Bring up Theriot to play full time. Send Wood to anyone that will take him. Keep Lee and Maddux to show the kids how to play. In fact I'd sign Maddux for what ever contract he wants as long as he promises to become the pitching coach once he's finished pitching. I still think Terry Pendleton deserves a shot at managing. Then bring in Mark Grace as the voice of the franchise and the batting coach.

This of course means there will be a couple years of the young kids learning the ropes, which means some losing seasons. But here's part of my point. The Cubs have the money to keep the young players that play well. They don't have to trade them like the Royals or the Marlins. This will give the fans some stability, and they don't have to watch the revolving door of right fielders. It's a drastic change that will never happen, but I can dream can't I? It's better than watching the nightmare on the field.

Happy Mother's Day!

To the greatest Mom ever.I think of you every day, and miss you greatly. I feel like it's not till now that I truly appreciate everything you did for us kids. As your first born I was blessed to know you the longest, but the time spent still wasn't enough. Thank you for letting me make mistakes and learning from them. Thank you for always being by my side when I was sick. Thank you for always showing your love for us. I hope you can see how much better we all are for having you as a mom, step-mom, mom-in-law, and grandmother. I love you.

Finally!

The Killer B's

No. This isn't about the Houston Astros. This post is about a trio of high school teachers so mean and diabolical that you had to give them nickname. I was reminded of them when my sister in law posted the other day. Meet the Killer B's: business and typing teacher-Miss Brohard (Is it any guess what her nickname was?), Librarian-Mrs. Bosley, and finally the head witch and English teacher Miss (Man Hater) Bell. Sometimes the history and geography teacher Baeslack was included, but she was just certifiable. This is the woman that would switch from laughter to full out bawling in a millisecond all while reading from the history book. Like I said she was certifiably looney. As for the others, Macbeth never met witches like these.

First let us look at Miss Blowhard. First of all she was the typing teacher, and basically all typing teachers have a bug up their ass. How can typing teachers not be anal? I don't think I ever saw her laugh at anything except when she was holding her seance with the other Killer B's. I don't even what to know what they were taking joy in. Secondly, she lived a single life for a long, long, long time, which basically meant she wasn't a big fan of the male population. Every man was the devil in her eyes. Thirdly, she really looked like a witch, pointy nose, jet black hair, the whole deal. It was frightening. Luckily, I only had her for one class. I still have scars though. The fear every time her beady little eyes would peer deep into your soul. She would do that little head shake of shame, and then stick you in detention. She was the kind of teacher that would give you detention simply for standing when the bell rang.

Next we have the snitch of a librarian in Bosley. I still don't even know why we needed a librarian. Yes, we had a library containing books. But those books were never opened unless we were forced to during the "How to use a library" portion of our education. Our high school obviously didn't have a budget for the library. They were either donated by somebody's grandmother or stolen from various garbage cans. Her real job was to be the eyes of the head Killer B, Miss Bell. You see, Miss Bell was blind.

Now wait a minute. You are probably thinking, how I could possibly have a problem with a blind person. Look, I realize that a blind person's life has to be strictly controlled. Things have to be highly organized. I understand that. It's still no excuse to act the way she did. She too hated the male population. She hated them so much that she would grade down the guys. I'm not even going to use myself as an example. Hell I gave up once I got docked points for answering knife instead of dagger. After that and a few other questionable "wrong" answers, I just mailed it in. How did I "mail it in?" For my "How to" speech, I spoke on how to be a couch potato. My poem reading was something I picked out the second I was called up. Thank goodness she was blind. I don't think she liked that the poem was about a guy decomposing in his grave. It was a Christian high school. The only line I can remember is "The worms go in. The worms go out. The worms play pinochle on my snout." Yeah, definitely some classic literature. Back to my example. I will actually use class genius Craig. How smart is this guy? He's off designing government "things" that he can't talk about. This guy never got anything below an A- except maybe for gym class. He'd get an A on all her standardized tests, but on the essay questions she would always find ways to dock him points. Actually, I don't know a single guy in my class that ever got an A on one of her test. There were plenty of girls though that got A's. Then there was the whole revelation that she really graded you on her perception of you and not what you actually did. If she thought you were a C student you always got C's no matter how well you did. Then there was the whole week of detention I got for tapping my pen. Tapping my damn pen! I didn't even get a warning. Sorry, I didn't even want to get to Bell yet.

Anyway, Bosley was the eyes for Bell. Every twenty minutes you could count on seeing her peering through the door window. Which I can kind of understand because my class wasn't exactly the best behaved. Still, if you see someone cheating, I can see trying to deter that. But taking notes on who looked like they might be possibly doing something is going a little far. She worked really hard to "find" things we were doing wrong. One odd event I do remember is when half my class cheated on our final. How did she not see that? They were laying the answers in the isle and passing them around. Come on! Which makes me wonder how the grades varied so much. That brings us back to the Hecate of the coven, Bell. I never met a male student that liked her or a female student that didn't like her. Her favoritism was that clearly defined.

The thing is she really did frighten me. She would do that robotic tilt of the head when ever she heard a noise. Then hold it for an ungodly amount of time. I would actually freeze whenever she did that. I wouldn't even breathe till she moved her head again. She was the teacher in those "B" movies that always ends up being the alien. The kids know it, but nobody else believes them till students start disappearing. What do you think she fed her seeing eye dog? Yeah, I wouldn't have been suprised if her head kept turning. There was a reason she taught high school. The younger kids would be too scared to learn.

What makes it worse was she wasn't even that good of a teacher. She actually sucked, but that was par for the course at my school. Even though she sucked, she always received awards because she was blind. It's admirable how she was able to be independent with her disability, but that doesn't make her a good teacher.

I realize this sounds like simply a bitter kid letting out a few grudges that he should've put behind him a long time ago. Maybe I am. But I was basically a very well behaved kid. No, I really was. I swear! The only time I got in trouble was when it came to the Killer B's. In fact I didn't even give these three the Killer B nickname. The nickname actually came from a fellow English teacher...My Dad. Sigh, I love my Dad. I think Bell actually has it out for my Dad. I don't know why. He still apologizes for not getting me out of taking Bell for Junior English. I forgive you Dad. But I clearly haven't forgiven the Killer B's.

Dear Fat Man On a Bike:

"Hey skinny man! Why don't you put some fucking meat on your bones?" Why did you say this to me? I was simply walking to my apartment after a long day of sitting in solitary confinement, and out of the blue you felt obliged to comment about my weight in passing? What caused this hostility toward skinny people? Did a gang of skinny kids beat you up as a kid? Are you the only fat guy in your family, and your father berated you? Have you constantly been rejected by women because of your weight? How long have you been riding a bike, because it isn't helping.

As to me putting on weight dear sir, I have in fact tried. Perhaps, I should say my Mom tried. Do you know how much Ensure my Mom attempted to feed me. She tried both the shakes at first, and then moved on to the powder form. For some reason she thought being able to mix the powder into all the major food groups would make me eat more of it. Would you eat anything knowing that someone mixed an unknown white powder into it? She even tried to get me to put it in my Pepsi. None of that worked.

The thing is I don't like being this skinny. In fact I think most guys who are as skinny as me don't like it either. Most women go for the larger guys over the skinny guy. I call it the big bear effect. The bigger men provide a sense of strength and protection that us skinny guys don't. So, I'm sorry something happened to you that makes you hold a grudge against the skinny people of the world. Some of us are blessed/cursed with the inability to gain large amounts of weight. I don't hold the fact that your eat twinkies in your sleep against you. Therefore please don't hold the fact that I can eat a whole pizza and not gain a pound against me. And keep peddling.

Which One Are You?

Last weekend Southern California was graced with the presence of M.O.L. Jr. Saturday night, M.O.L. Jr., bobby, and myself went to the Roger Clyne and the Peacemakers at the Roxy. It was a great show, and the first time I'd ever been to a concert with bobby. (I think) Anyway, while I was doing a little people watching I started categorizing everyone. No matter what concert there are always these types of people there. So which one are you?

Front Row Mom: When men hit their mid-life crisis they buy sports cars, hire young attractive secretaries, and dye their hair. Women in their mid-life crisis end up at the front row of concerts. They usually are hammered, and trying to touch the crotch of every person on stage.

The Female Hardcore Fan: She too is in the front row, and usually leaning on lead singer's monitor singing every word to every song. You go through the whole catalogue of emotions in one night. They often travel in pairs or with Front Row Mom.

The Crazy Female Hardcore Fan: Ohmigod! Ohmigod! Ohmigod! I looooooooove this band! Sob. Sob. Sob. They mean so much to me. Sob. Sob. Sob. Eek! I love this song! I don't know why I'm crying. I would do anything for them. Sadly, you often do end up doing anything.

The above categories come in a Skank version as well.

The Stoic Male Hardcore Fan: He is a few rows back. He nods to the beat during the whole concert. Occasionally he'll sing along. He smiles when the band changes something up from the previous 15 shows he's been to. He always hopes they play that one song from that German import EP he got six years ago for $40, but they never do. His only distraction is the cute girl to the left who sings along. If he only had the guts.

The Crazy Male Hardcore Fan: Take everything about SMHF and add flailing of the arms and a lot of screaming. Everyone in the venue hates him, even the band.

The Judge: Not to be confused with the Stoic, even though you have the same records that Stoic has. The difference is you hate the band now. They've never been as good since they got rid of their original guitartist. This new direction the band has taken sucks. You don't sing along except for when they play that first single from their first record, but you eventually catch yourself and feel guilty about it. Some might ask why you are even there or why you still buy every album. You'd give an answer, if you knew yourself.

The Party Girl Fan: As far as you are concerned the band isn't the only show in the building. You are there to drink and dance away the worst week you ever had at work. Heaven help anyone that gets in your way. No boys tonight (unless they are really really cute) just you and your girls. They can sometimes turn into...

The Grinders: Sometimes a couple and sometimes a couple of strangers. Drunk off of your ass you and your partner seem to think that the lack of light allows you to begin the mating ritual. Everyone around you is extremely disgusted, but you're too drunk to care. How you don't rub your hips raw, I have no idea.

The Non-Fan: You can't believe you got suckered into this. Does your life suck this bad? Are you this desperate to please your girlfriend/wife? The band sucks, but your significant other loves them. So you pay your dues for the hope of a little something something afterwards, if she gets drunk enough. The bar is your refuge from the crap on stage. You want to beat the shit out of CMHF.

The Creepy Touchy Drunk: Man, the world is great, man. Man, I love you, and you, and you man. These guys rock, man. Man, you're beautiful, baby. Can I touch your boobies? People are frightened by you. They pray you won't touch them, or that you will stop touching them. Problems really arise when you touch the wrong person. Why would anyone punch someone who loves them so much? You also probably need a ride home.

The Frat Boys: You aren't really a fan. You just heard this band is hot (according to Spin and/or Rollingstone). If they say they are an "it" band they must be right. In your glove compartment your real music collection consists of Creed, Dave Matthews Band, and Candlebox. You also hope there will be some hot chicks. You and your friends travel in packs hitting on anything with heels. You are the one that still thinks it's funny to yell, "Freebird!" You are usually the one punching CTD when he touches you. You hate fags.

The Scenester: You aren't a fan either. You only show up at the concerts of bands who appear on the cover of magazines. You are there to be seen, and hope someone recognizes you. You spend the whole concert chatting and chatting and chatting. When you get home you check Gawker.com to see if anyone puts you up there. You're still waiting for the background work on Saved by the Bell to payoff.

The Rest: You want to have fun and listen to good music. Unfortunately, you often have to deal with those listed above. God bless you.

I will admit sometimes I fall into the Stoic Hardcore Fan category.

The Lone Bright Spot

"You're a Cubs fan?"
"Yeah. That's why I don't date. I have enough pain in my life."

As predicted, the Cubs offense has vanished now that Lee is on the DL. During their last six games, do you know how many runs the Cubs have scored? Four! Four runs in the six games combined. In three of those six games the Cubs have been shutout. One of those shutouts even went to 11 innings. The most runs the Cubs have scored in one game during this six game span? Two! The miraculous thing is they won that game. Why did they win that game? Sean Marshall. Out of nowhere this season, a bit of sunshine has poked through. Marshall is a rookie who got a chance during spring training. Before then he had never pitched above AA. Now the big left hander along with old man Maddux have at least kept the Cubs in games. In Marshall's last four starts he has given up only 11 hits and 4 ER through a little over 25 innings. His ERA is a measly 1.42. He was never really touted as a top prospect, yet here he is. Why has he been successful? I think it's poise...and a really nasty curveball. Prior used to have that poise till Alou threw a tantrum in that certain playoff game in 2003. Wood has never had it, or at least never consistently had it. Now there's talk of him being the odd man out when Wood and Prior come back. Whaaat? Of course he's not going to keep up this ridiculous pace. He is still a rookie. He hasn't exactly faced power line-ups. I still think he's deserved to be locked into the rotation. Scouts often talk about players having "it." Well, Marshall has "it."

Of course I realize he's going to suck now that I posted about him.

My New Addiction: MLB 06: The Show

I bought this game for the PS2 almost 2 weeks ago, and I can't get enough. The thing is I have yet to play a major league game. My addiction is the career mode. Currently I am a 2B for Cleveland's AAA team. I'm in my second year. My first in a three year deal. I expect to be called up to the show later this year or next year because I'm tearing it up. That's the greatness of this game. You can have nearly all the detail of a baseball career while sitting at your couch. Don't like the team you are on? Demand a trade. Is your team in a funk? Have a closed door team meeting. You can even complain to the media. Another nice feature is that you don't have to play every out of every game. You can simply fast forward to your next appearance. If you're a position player you can ignore the fielding and simply fast forward to each at bat. This makes the season progress at much quicker pace.

To improve as a baseball player you have to achieve goals like drive in 90 runs in a season, or draw 4 walks in a series. These goals along with doing well in each game earn you training hours so you can improve your contact or power against left handed or right handed pitching. You can improve different aspects of your defense. There's a bar for nearly everything you can imagine. You can even improve your clutch hitting.

The game play is solid. The fielding can be a little slow particularly when trying to pull off a double play. But it's not nearly as awful as MLB 2K6. The pitching meter is solid. Not quite as good as EA's MVP meter, but good. When your pitcher starts getting nervous the meter bar moves faster. I hate how 2K6 has the ball icon bouncing around when the pitcher is in a tight spot. I like the graphics better on The Show as well. They seem cleaner.

There are few complaints with the game. First of all, every now and then you run into something implausible. For example, last night I faced a pitcher that threw over a 180 pitches. 180! Are you kidding me? What even made it worse was that his fastball was still clocking in at 97 around pitch 170. Also, your manager will be a moron sometimes. For example, bottom of the ninth and the bases are loaded. You are up to bat, and what does your manager do? He sends the base runner on 3rd. What manager does that with three outs, and your stud 2B who is batting .398 is at the plate? Also, does every minor league park have a green monster at dead center? I've had at least 10 HR's turn into doubles because of this thing. Why does nearly every team have one? There are also a few glitches. The biggest glitch is that player number 99 doesn't have a head. Every time 99 comes to bat he has no head. How did the programmers miss this?

Overall The Show is solid baseball game, and much better than 2K6. It has a solid online that's incorporated with MLB.com. There are other modes like franchise mode and rivalry mode, but career mode is where it's at. There is also a fun King of the Diamond mini-game, that can make an hour disappear quickly. MVP '05 was my favorite baseball game. I still think MVP is a more polished game than The Show, but the career mode puts The Show on top.

Ramblings (Hiatus Edition)

When I agree to work over hiatus I expect it to be easy going and relaxing. This past week has proven to be anything but that. This of course means I'm now really behind on the show bible. And I mean really behind.

Hey look the Cub's hitters are pressing. That or Dusty has implemented a clubhouse rule that requires them to see only 3 pitches at the most per at bat. Where would we be without old man Maddux and the kid Marshall? I know many will say that Prior and Wood will be coming back soon, but come on. I think it's best if the Cubs look at Prior and Wood as gravy. If they come back and pitch well, great, but don't plan on it actually happening.

A couple Twilight Singers items: First of all, emusic.com has a bonus track available for free download. I really like the track. They haven't rocked this hard on a chorus in some time. In fact it's one of the few tracks that sound like their concerts. They always rock their songs a little harder live, and that's how this track sounds to me. Secondly, Youtube.com has become a daily minefield of goodness. There are 25 music videos and live performances by the Afghan Whigs/Twilight Singers on there. Some of them are even from The Afghan Whigs really early stuff that I haven't seen in ages. There's tons of other great sports and music stuff on there you just have to search for it.

Ladies, is your boyfriend/husband's birthday coming up? Perhaps your anniversary is in the near future? Maybe you are getting married soon and want something special for that special night? Let me offer this advice. All those embarrassing unmentionables your friends got you that one weekend that you still can't really remember what happened? Toss them out. That frilly and lacy crap stores keep trying to pawn off on you is worthless as well. All you need is this:
And if it's his, all the better. This came out much racier than I intended. I just wanted to say there is something very attractive about a woman in a white oxford shirt. I apologize.

For those wondering if you should buy MLB: The Show or MLB 2K6, the answer is MLB: The Show. 2K6 is awful. More on this later.

My next big week is the second to last week of June. Lucha Vavoom is returning to the Myan! FlavaD and I got ringside tickets this time. We are going on the 20th if you are in town, and want to see one of the greatest spectacles in your life. Also, after Nacho Libre hits the multiplexes that same month, it's gonna blow up! The next night. I have tickets for the Twilight Singers concert. I haven't had a back to back night of genius like this since…I had a girlfriend. That sounds dirty too. I didn't mean it that way.

Has anyone seen the Wes Anderson American Express commercial?

Finally, I stole this idea from Kerri. This is perhaps one of the most nerdish ways to be pompous, but screw it. I made a quiz about myself too. I also don't think its half bad. 90 percent of the answers I believe can be found in this blog, but study ahead of time people. No cheating. We are on the honor system here. Take the quiz here.

Sitting by Myself

The office empty and quiet today. I sit here, alone, watching time tick by. To entertain myself, this has been running through my head all day.

First Impressions: Powder Burns

Three weeks before its physical release, the Twilight Singers have released their new LP Powder Burns on iTunes. I love early Christmas presents. After three days of listening only to this album here are my first impressions.

As a whole this album feels like a culmination of Dulli's previous work. There are hint of Twilight and Blackberry Belle, but then it's also more of a rock record than the two previous albums. There's also a stronger feeling of hope in this album than the previous albums. The first song, "I'm Ready" being a prime example with its chorus: "I'm ready to love somebody." Actually, the whole album feels like Dulli has seen a light and crawled out from a dark haze. This is evident not only in songs like "Candy Cane Crawl," (Which is Dulli's R&B classic) but in the music as well. Both "There's Been an Accident" and "Bonnie Brae" build to a gospel like climax with soaring background vocals and Dulli belting out his conviction. I think this is the strongest Dulli's sounded on any of his albums. The only hiccup in this album I think is "My Time (Has Come)." It doesn"t seem to fit this album to me. It feels like something from the Afghan Whigs' 1965 album. Maybe it's just the vampire lyrics.

So, where does this fit among the previous two albums? I think in the middle. I like Blackberry Belle better, but I also have a strong personal attachment to that album. I think it's better than Twilight. Again this is all personal opinion. The fact is that this is better than most albums that will be released this year. But then I'm severely biased.

I put five of my immediate favorites from this album in the player to the right.

Holding Pattern

Sorry guys, but this blog will be in a bit of a holding pattern this week. We are in our last week of production, which means we will be heading into our hiatus. Well everyone else will. I will be working. This week will be dedicated to finishing this season's bible. That's basically a recap of each episode along with all the forensics used in each episode and any character points that are brought up. Thankfully, Tamara did half of them and I only have to write 13 of them. Still, it will take awhile. I will most likely be back with you in a week, after I watch 13 hours of Ronald removing and replacing his sunglasses. Suhweeeet.

I'm a Great Uncle! The Great Brother Part Is Debatable.

So my niece Evie turned four this month. Being the wonderful uncle that I am I sent her a couple birthday gifts. There are two things that Evie loves: the color green and zebras. This makes gift giving easy. Since the green thing was done for Evie last Christmas, I decided to go the zebra route. I happened to find an adorable little zebra flashlight. Perfect. I shipped it out and got an email and picture yesterday claiming how much Evie likes her gift. See, I'm a great uncle.Today, I got another email saying she got the other present. I also got some other news: the flashlight makes noise. The zebra apparently goes "Doo doo doo doo doo doo over and over again." Whoops. I swear I had no idea. Evie it seems woke up in the middle of the night and started playing with her flashlight. So her poor sister was woken by the Doo doo doo's. I guess I'm a great uncle right only in Evie's eyes. I'm sorry.

This quickly reminded me of Christmas many many years ago. I opened up one of my gifts to see the Han Solo Blaster! I was so thrilled. I quickly ran and got batteries. I pulled the trigger and a piercing "blaster" sound emitted, deafening the family. I remember Mom's first words, "It makes noise?" That was my response when I heard the flashlight went "Doo doo doo." Again, I'm sorry.

&#%&$#^*%*~#*%$@*&%!

I knew I shouldn't have gone to the game. I sat on my couch tonight and turned on ESPN. Two minutes later the ticker scrolled that Lee had fractured two bones in his wrist and will be out 8 weeks. I know people are going to try to be upbeat about this, but it's not going to work out. Lee is the heart and soul of this team. He's the MVP at the plate and on the field. What would people say about the Cardinals if Pujols went down for 8 weeks.?If it was a fractured leg or something I could see him returning and having a decent finish to the season. This is the wrist we are talking about. It might be out of a cast in 6 weeks, but how long till it completely heals. There aren't many players that have returned to form after a broken wrist. Griffey in Seattle was the only one Bob could come up with. So, that's it. I'm not saying we won't play decent, but we aren't playoff bound. Not with this lineup. Not without Lee. Even in this mediocre NL my hopes are somewhat shot. I think that's the problem. Watching the team play early in the year, got my hopes up. They were playing solid ball, and scoring runs without the HR. Now everyone is going to overcompensate. Now we have to rely on Walker as our defensive 1B. This is the same Walker we were begging for someone to take because of his shoddy defense. Man, this blows. I know you non-sports fans don't comprehend, but this sucks. I'm not the only one that feels this way.

Oh What a Night! Mid of April back in 2006.

That was perhaps one of the more interesting baseball games I've gone to. It started off innocently enough with me getting some nice seats in the Lodge level behind home plate. Cub's rookie Marshall pitched well for a rookie. He struggled with control the first few innings and gave up a two run bomb in the second. The Cubs scrapped out a run in the first. Then the whole night went kind of haywire.

The point of change all happened when a foul ball was actually hit in my direction. For the first time in my life I had a chance to catch a foul ball. The ball glanced up off a guy's hands and was heading straight at me. Sweet! I couldn't believe my luck. I dropped my pencil and scorecard in anticipation. I had flashbacks to little league, and my father yelling, "Use both hands. Both hands!" In slow motion I watched the baseball close in on my hands. Then out of nowhere the jackass in front off me throws out his arm and deflects it to my left. I say arm because he was on his cell phone. Since he didn't have a hand free, he tried to use his arm to knock it down. Moronic LA people and their cell phones. So the ball went left and down my row. I closed in on it just as another guy's hand snatched it up. I looked up into the face of a guy I'm pretty sure had never been to a baseball game in his life. He looked like some waif artist guy who smokes his Parliaments and leaves Nietzsche on his coffee table when ever dates come over to his apartment. Dammit! So close. At least I know where I'm getting tickets the next time I go. There were at least six foul balls hit to my section. Section 108 rows A through J for those who want to know. Wait for the right handed bats to foul them back about once an inning.

After the foul ball fiasco, I was graced with the sound of the moron behind me immediately grab his cell phone and call his friend to see if he was on TV. Of course he was so close to catching it. During the rest of the game he kept saying how he could've caught that foul ball or that foul bal. When he wasn't blathering on about his unfounded foul ball catching ability, he was explaining the game of baseball to his date. Of course everything he told her was wrong. I offer up two examples. First it's the top of the fourth and the Cubs have men on second and third. The Dodger pitcher doesn't give Cedeno, the number eight hitter, a pitch to hit. It is often called the unintentional intentional walk. The walk loaded the bases. The moron then proceeded to comment on how dumb the pitcher was. Now the Dodgers were in trouble because the Cubs can break this wide open. The game was tied 2-2. Now any baseball fan knows the pitcher always bats ninth in the "real" league. And anyone that was watching this game would've seen that the Cub's pitcher hasn't even come close to hitting a pitch. The pitcher promptly struck out on three pitches, and the inning was over. The second moronic moment happened at the top of the eighth. He explained that if the Cubs didn't score in this inning or the ninth that the Dodgers could score a run in the ninth and win. If nobody scored then they would go into extra innings. Which is technically correct. The problem was the Cubs were up 5 to 4. I don't know what game he was watching. Thankfully he left at the middle of the ninth.

That brings up another point. Dodger fans suck. The first wave left after the 7th. The Dodgers were up 4 to 2. The next wave left after the 8th with the Cubs up 5 to 4. They left with their team down by one run. What the hell? By the top of the ninth, the stadium was nearly all Cubs fans. The only Dodger fans left were the really drunk ones who couldn't make it up the stairs yet. My final thing for the Dodger fans: Stop bitching about Piazza. That was eight years ago! It was one trade. If you want something to bitch about, become a Cub fan.

The last crappy thing that happened was watching Derrek Lee collide with Furcal at first base. Watching your MVP collapse to the ground and grab his arm can put a scare in you. You immediately heard every Cubs fan in the stadium gasp. Then you heard the Dodger fans heckling. They have no idea what pain is.

There though some good things that happened. After the injury to Lee and pitcher Eyre, the Cubs came back to score three runs on a few two out hits and a couple errors. The Cubs of last year would've folded. Also, Amy and her boyfriend were sitting in the section next to me. Amy plays the aggressive news reporter on CSI: Miami. I actually talked to her for the first time at the wrap party last weekend. Turns out she has season tickets at Wrigley about five rows behind home plate. Her boyfriend then commented on how he could never break up with her now. I thought, "Break up? I would've married her day one. I would bust my ass to make that relationship work." Still, they are a nice couple, and it was a great coincidence.

Overall it was a nice night at the ballpark, and proves that you never know what will happen in baseball. The Cubs have yet to lose two games in a row. So, the Cubs kick ass right now too.Here's my mess of a scorecard. After the second double switch because of the injury it became almost hopeless. I'd like to point out that I took both of these picture with my cell phone's camera. My cell phone kicks ass.

Leavin' for a Cubs Game. I Don't Know If I'll Be Back Again.

Am I in danger of being a GRUP? Are you?

During my search for end of the internet yesterday, I came across a video game designer referring to himself as a GRUP in his blog. "A what?" I asked myself. Hating the possibility that I could be ignorant of an inane pop culture reference, I did a little research. (It's what I do.) I came across this lengthy article in New York magazine. Is it New York magazine or The New York magazine? Can I not use the "The" because it makes it too close to The New Yorker? Just wondering. So the writer, Alan Sternbergh, helps define what a GRUP is:

If being a Grup means being 35, and having a job, and using a messenger bag instead of a briefcase, and staying out too late too often, and owning more pairs of sneakers (eleven) than suits (one), and downloading a Hot Hot Heat song from iTunes because it was on a playlist titled "Saturday Errands," and generally being uneasy and slightly confused about just what it means to be an adult in these modern times-in short, if it means living your life in fundamentally the same way that you did when you were, say, 22 then, let's face it, I'm a Grup

I turn 35 this year. I'll be honest. I think I might be a Grup. Much of Sternbergh's interviews are with married Grups who have kids. I obviously don't fit in that category. Also, the examples all live in New York and have high paying jobs. Again, that's outside my category. I guess I am a poor Grup. Here are a few of my examples of why I might be a Grup.

1. Even if this TV thing doesn't work out, I can't see myself taking a job where I can't wear jeans and a ball cap. My jean to pants ratio is 4 to 1, and some of those pants still have tags on them.

2. If my little sisters are any example, I probably am going to attempt to force my musical tastes on my kids. (Not that it works. They still gravitated to show tunes. I blame the Kessler side for that.)

3. I take pride in shaving only once every blue moon.

4. I save money for video games.

5. I still buy toys.

6. I keep ridiculous hours.

Here are some of Mr. Sternbergh's examples:

Let's start with a question. A few questions, actually: When did it become normal for your average 35-year-old New Yorker to (a) walk around with an iPod plugged into his ears at all times, listening to the latest from Bloc Party; (b) regularly buy his clothes at Urban Outfitters; (c) take her toddler to a Mommy's Happy Hour at a Brooklyn bar; (d) stay out till 4 A.M. because he just can't miss the latest New Pornographers show, because who knows when Neko Case will decide to stop touring with them, and everyone knows she's the heart of the band; (e) spend $250 on a pair of jeans that are artfully shredded to look like they just fell through a wheat thresher and are designed, eventually, to artfully fall totally apart; (f) decide that Sufjan Stevens is the perfect music to play for her 2-year-old, because, let's face it, 2-year-olds have lousy taste in music, and we will not listen to the Wiggles in this house; (g) wear sneakers as a fashion statement; (h) wear the same vintage New Balance sneakers that he wore on his first day of school in the seventh grade as a fashion statement; (i) wear said sneakers to the office; (j) quit the office job because-you know what?-screw the office and screw jockeying for that promotion to VP, because isn't promotion just another word for "slavery"?; (k) and besides, now that she's a freelancer, working on her own projects, on her own terms, it's that much easier to kick off in the middle of the week for a quick snowboarding trip to Sugarbush, because she's got to have some balance, right? And she can write it off, too, because who knows? She might bump into Spike Jonze on the slopes; (l) wear a Misfits T-shirt; (m) make his 2-year-old wear a Misfits T-shirt; (n) never shave; (o) take pride in never shaving; (p) take pride in never shaving while spending $200 on a bedhead haircut and $600 on a messenger bag, because, seriously, only his grandfather or some frat-boy Wall Street flunky still carries a briefcase; or (q) all of the above?

Those items in bold are ones that I agree with. Actually, I only spent $125 on my messenger bag, but I agree about the suitcase. The other non-bold items I would hope I would never do or think. $250 on a pair of jeans? Snowboarding? Misfits T-shirt? Hell no. I'm actuasurprisedised he mentions Bloc Party numerous times in the article. I would think a Grup would consider them "sooo 2005." This article was written this month.

So, am I a Grup? Yes I am. In fact I would say I am more of a Grup than those featured in the article. At beginningning of the article, the writer adds the synonyms: yupster, yindie, and alterna-yuppie. I'm going to claim that a Grup is different than those other terms. A Grup has nothing to do with the yuppie sect. I may be wiser. I may have a little more stable job. I may be more financially responsible. I may date more, but I am living my life pretty much how I lived as a 22 year old. Actually, I'm probably living my life like I wished I lived my life when I was 22 year old. But I still hold to that mindset. I am not really growing up, which seems to be the main point of being a Grup. I am not participating in those things that are associated with being a grown up. These yupsters just seem to-

Ah screw it. I found this article interesting, which is weird because I hate labels. Anyway, I decided to write blindly about it and see where it went. I now hate the way this has turned out. I'm not worried that I might become a Grup. I know I won't. I listen, wear, and do what I like. For everything that someone does or has that puts them in a certain defined box, there is something else they do or have that takes puts them in another group. I have Grup tendencies. I have MOL tendencies. I have geek tendencies. You know what that makes me? That makes me Brad. You're you. I like you. I like me (usually). I'm sorry I wasted your time with this.

I Watched This Movie in Honor of Bobby

My favorite moments was this:
I love afternoon cable and I love having Good Friday off!

I Hate to Admit it...

But I watched a full hour of American Idol on Tuesday night. There is an American Idol semi-office pool this year. I'm sort of the commissioner, so I have to keep up with who is booted. This usually means checking the last few minutes of the show, or checking the message boards. For some reason I decided to watch a whole episode. That reason was Queen. Now I'm not a huge fan of Queen, but I was intrigued to see if anyone could possibly pull off one of their songs. I don't know what I was thinking because clearly none of them could. I'm slightly disappointed that Queen even involved themselves in such things. Actually I'm not. They did agree to the "musical" We Will Rock You. (sigh) The thing is none of the "singers" were bad enough to be enjoyably bad. The only highlight was watching gAce trying to tell Brian May and Roger Taylor how he wanted them to play their song. I was really hoping May would just take a guitar to his head. So here's a little recap from a first time viewer and first time caller.

The show begins! Wait! The number one show in America has this for an opening? Four seasons and you can't come up with something better? Tron looks better than this. The Barbie video game looks better than this. Bobby could make a flip book cartoon better than this.

Anyway, some guy appropriately named Bucky comes out and does Fat Bottomed Girls country style. This season's crop must be awesome if Bucky made this show. He's properly lambasted by Simon. I don't understand why people hate this Simon guy. I mean other than the two sizes too small T-shirt.

Then my whipping boy for the evening gAce comes out to sing We Will Rock You. Um...cop out. I don't even consider We Will Rock You a song. It's more of chant to a riff isn't it? Either way, gAce blows. Once again I'm glad I have tinnitus. gAce is clearly the male version of the stupid blonde stereotype. He gets by on his smile and hair. I hate him.

Next up: Lita Ford! Sweet! I can't believe they let Lita Ford on. And can I say that Lita Ford looks fantastic for her age? Why does everyone keep calling her Kellie? Anyway, Lita goes on and attempts Bohemian Rhapsody. Lita seems a little more happier and bouncier than her "Kiss Me Deadly" days. Lita sucks it and yet the judges all like it for some reason. Even they don't know why they like it. Nice try Lita. "If I close my eyes forever!"

One question: If Randy Jackson and Stewart Scott were in the same room, could you technically say there were still no African American's in the room? It's like watching a real life Don "No Soul" Simmons.

Curly takes to the stage. His Queen song for the night is Innuendo. Whaaaaat? When Queen says they've never played a song live, perhaps you should choose a different song. Curly sticks with it and does a rocking cover of a Scott Stapp cover of Queen. Which in the real world means it sucks, but in American Idol world is apparently good. Awful song choice.

Next some cute brunette is going to sing "Don't Stop Me Now." Finally, a good Queen song. This the first since Fat Bottom Girls in my opinion. I admit now that I will always picture pool cues and zombies when I hear that song. The brunette though changes her mind, and does the theme song from Highlander. She clearly didn't pick this song by herself. There is no way she even heard of this song or the movie Highlander. She must have just asked for one of their slow songs. She actually does ok for American Idol. Still I feel like she copped out. She must only be able to do slow songs.

This just in! Apparently that wasn't Lita Ford singing. It was just some girl named Kellie dressed like Lita. I apologize to Lita Ford and the Ford family.

I'm going to give this next guy a little credit. First off he does a great Queen song, and it's a bitch of a song to sing. He's passable too. He does get big points deducted for that DJ intro. You should never have admitted that…never. Unless you do a blog.

Now here comes the fan favorite. El MOL...I mean Taylor Hicks! He changes his mind too on what song to sing. He decides on Crazy Little Thing Called Love because he wants to get back to the dancing Taylor. Suhweet! Two minutes later. Suhuuuck. Somebody shoot him, or me. Are you serious? People love this guy? You know on second thought I can see why people like him. He seems nice. He's obviously just having fun. I just don't see this guy ever being an American Idol.

For the finale, straight out of prison it's Lil Kim! Apparently, I'm wrong again. Her name's Paris and she will be attempting The Show Must Go On. The song's too big for her, and I still have no idea what I actually saw. I'm sure she must do better on other songs.

Thankfully we are finished. I give my vote to the brunette and to the guy that looks like the brother of the guy who played Gollum. My one disappointment was that nobody did a song from the Flash Gordon soundtrack. That would have blown Simon's mind. They could even do some of the dialogue to the movie. Flash! Aaaaah! Somebody could have sealed this beauty pageant up if they did Flash Gordon.

Also, has nobody figured out that the judges are all animatronics? It's like the Country Bear Jamboree only with fewer words programmed in. And that's being kind. Since this is my first real viewing, has the crowd ever booed a contestant? That I'd like to see. But I assume every audience believes the contestants can do no wrong.

I am now a Pill Popper

Yesterday I decided to take advantage of this thing called health insurance. For the first time in six years I stepped into a doctor's office. I will say I take a little pleasure in listing my history of past and current ailments for new doctors. The best is when you go to the emergency room. All the doctors in training gather outside your door like you are a celebrity. If only I wasn't lying on a table in my skivvies and a paper "gown." I've thought perhaps I could rent myself out as a walking specimen to local hospitals. There's the problem of always being in the "gown."I don't have the legs or ass to pull off such a revealing outfit. Also, my scars aren't the sexy kind of scars.

So, my new doctor asked the standard question: "Have you had any previous health problems?" I gave my list, pausing for the doctor when his hand cramped. My current problem has been the recent onset of an arthritic hip. I knew it was coming. Since I have one leg shorter than the other it was unavoidable even with the shoe lift. The real problem with this ailment is that I now have to take pills. Again, I knew this would eventually happen but I thought I had a few more years. No such luck.

I realize I'm writing a post in which I'm bitching about taking pills, but you should understand this is coming for a guy who took chewable aspirin through junior high. I crushed the adult aspirin up after that. Eventually I learned to take pills, but I still hate it. Now I'm stuck taking four a day. I should say four types. Two of them I have to take multiple times a day, and they are huge. I even have to go buy one of those pill containers that breaks everything down into days. I thought for sure I had four or five more years till I had to buy one of those. I realize I have a no room to complain. I just hate taking medicine. There will never be spoonful of sugar big enough.

For those who don't know, here's the short list of ailments.

1973: Wilms' tumor
1974-current: Scoliosis that resulted in me wearing a back brace from 1985-1988. The back brace was actually kind of fun. Except that it tore holes in all my shirts and began to stink. It was then somewhat corrected in 1988 when they fused two rods to my spine.
1988: The scoliosis correction led to it being noticeable that my left leg was an inch shorter than the right.
1993-5: Ulcer-eh not that bad really
1999-current: Psoriasis (suck!)
2003-current: Tinnitus (great excuse when in boring conversations)
2006: Arthritic Hip (NEW!)


It's funny you take aways the first ailness and the most of the rest go with it. Wilms you bastard.

All Done!

I Eat This Orange in the Honor of Mandy

ESPN Might Get Me Fired!

Today has been a little rough at work. I kind of dropped the research ball, but was able to pick it up on the first bounce. The problem is I dropped it right in front of the boss. Cut to a few minutes later, and I'm watching an old "This Is Sportscenter" ads. Because it was a particularly funny one I let out a chuckle. Little did I know but the boss was talking to another employee to make sure that my research got into the next revision. Sure enough she sees me chuckle. Her response, "Brad's laughing at me." What? No! It was ESPN! But of course I can't say that. So now the boss thinks I was laughing at her, after I already dropped the ball on the topic she was discussing. Thank you ESPN. Thank you.

Ramblings (Weekend Recap)

Saturday was one of those days. By one of those days, I mean double-feature day! Hell yeah! After getting my hairs cut, I booked it to barely make the next showing of The Inside Man.

Side Note: When you go in for a haircut, how much time must elapse between sitting in the chair and the actual haircut before you can change your mind and realize you don't want this person to cut your hair? Are you locked in once you sit down in the chair? Or is it once the apron is on? How rude is it to say you don't want this person to cut your hair? Does the conversation go like this? "Look, I'm sorry I'm just not confident with you cutting my hair. It's not you. It's me. I'm certain there will be someone else walking through your door who would love to have you cut their hair. They will probably have an even better head of hair. It's just I can't understand a single word you say." That conversation never happened. I spent half an hour hoping I understood what she asked, and she understood my answers. Luckily I always wear a hat and I don't have a whole lot of hair left. Another question, how come the population of balding people still have to pay full price for a hair cut. One third of our head you don't even need to touch, yet we still pay full price? Don't we suffer enough? You have to use less electricity for the razor. You have to use your scissors less. Our haircuts don't last as long. All I'm asking is a third off the price.

Back to the movies. I saw Inside Man first. It was fine. Nothing bad, nothing spectacular. Just a solid movie. My one question, and I don't think I'm ruining anything here. When Denzel holds up the ring to Plummer, is that the worst special effects ever in a big time motion picture? I realize Lee wanted Denzel's face and the ring to both be in focus, but did you have to make the hand out of cardboard and a popsicle stick?

Leaving the theater, I realized I didn't want to go home and listen to race cars buzzing my apartment. I also didn't want the hassle of finding a parking spot. So, I went and saw V for Vendetta. Probably not the wisest choice. After reading Jiff's 3CT post, it took a good thirty minutes till I could stop picturing V shopping at Best Buy. Once I got past that it was ok. I recommend reading the comic book instead. I wish Brick was playing closer to Long Beach.

The rest of the weekend was baseball, baseball, baseball. Here are a few things I made note of during the first week of baseball.

The Cubs will not be as bad as they were last year. That is if they keep playing like they have been. I've noticed three big differences between this year's Cubs and last year's.

1. The Cubs haven't had this strong of a bullpen in years. The Cubs might have paid a lot for Eyre and Howry, but it seems to have been the right move. I still don't feel comfortable in the late innings, but it's not a complete sense of dread. This also affects the ability for the Cubs to come back. The last few years any time the opponent had a lead you knew whoever they brought in would just give up a bigger lead. Now, the Cubs have come behind in the last two games in the eighth and ninth innings because the bullpen kept them in the game.


2. Speed and Hustle. With Cedeno, Pierre, and Jacque Jones the Cubs now have some legitimate legs to run the bases. Seeing Cedeno take an extra base last night on a single, I was bewildered. The Cubs don't hustle for extra bases. At least not the Cubs of the last few years.


3. Clutch hitting. Usually if the Cubs weren't ahead by the 6th or 7th inning they were done. It always seemed like they mailed in the last few innings or everyone tried to hit home runs. Sure in the last three games the Cubs scored all their runs via the home run. But men got on base by taking walks, and being patient. This probably won't happen the rest of the season, but it's good to see a glimpse of it in a series.

Other Non Cubs observations:

Watching the Cubs, I also realized that the Cardinals need help in the bullpen, and I still hate La Russa.

The AL is a lot stronger than the NL.

With the Brewers, Tigers, and Indians being able to build a team from within, do the Pirates, Royals, and Reds have any excuse?

Why do people keep giving Clemens standing ovations where ever he goes? Why? Is that how he's going to decide which team he goes to: the Clemens Applause-O-Meter?

Did anyone see the Darren Daulton interview last night? He had those Andy Kaufman "Who's Driving" eyes going on.

Will baseball ever see teams again like the 93 Phillies, 86 Mets, or 90 Reds? If we won't, why?

I like the new baseball card graphics of ESPN's Baseball Tonight. I still hate the Trifecta though. ESPN can give me a full hour of cheerleading, but I only get 40 minutes of Baseball Tonight?

What incriminating evidence does Stuart Scott have that ESPN allows him to do those dumb poetry readings? It was ridiculously funny at first. Now that I realize how serious he is about it, it's just sad.

I love baseball season.



Oh. I also picked up Ghostface Killah's new album, Fishscale, (Stop laughing). It's the front runner for rap album of the year.

For Your Information

Since at least MOL Jr. and Wunderkind have asked more information about the Twilight Singers, I put up the old list of favorites in the music player to the right. Click play. I should also say when played live the songs are cranked up to about 11. There are also a couple new songs on their myspace page. They aren't my two favorites from the concert I went to last month, but they are solid. I also figured why stop at the Twilight Singers. Here are the links for Jeff Klein's myspace page and The Afterhours. They will both be opening up for the Twilight Singers. Dulli actually helped produce both their albums.

Twilight Singers myspace
Jeff Klein myspace
The Afterhours

Ramblings

I tried quitting Lost, but my Tivo won't let me. I missed a couple episodes. Or so I thought. Checking my Tivo I discover it recorded the episodes I missed. Sure, enough I'm kind of hooked again. I mean the blacklight map was a nice little gift to the viewers. I will also say I came up with the idea of there being a supply drop about a year ago. I know Brian will say he came up with it, but he's wrong.

With a crammed premiere episode, Thief hadn't exactly won me over. Mr. Braugher was dynamite as always, but there was something missing. This week's episode though got things going. You can see the conflicts more clearly, and really it's great just watching Braugher act.

I think 24 has blown it big time with their huge reveal at the end of this week's episode. Doesn't that completely negate the first half of the season? They've always been somewhat ridiculous and overboard with their twists and turns. That's part of the fun of the show. I think this is too much though. They have a crap load of explaining to do to make it even possible work.

Dom and I finally worked out a fantasy baseball trade.

The Twilight Singers announced the dates of their official tour. I put in bold the dates when they play close to most of the readers here. Now I really don't expect any of you readers to go (except Bob). I simply puts this up to make you think about it. Maybe you have nothing to do that night? Maybe you'll be in a particular mood to hear some rock n roll in the month of May or June? I'm just saying this is something you could do. The Italian rock group Afterhours and songwriter Jeff Klein will be opening up. Don't you want to hear some new music?

MAY

18 Minneapolis MN - Varsity Theatre
19 Chicago IL - Metro
20 Newport KY - Southgate House
21 Indianapolis IN - The Vogue
23 Columbus OH - Little Brothers
24 Cleveland OH - Grog Shop
25 Detroit MI - St. Andrews Hall
27 Toronto ON - Lee's Palace
28 Montreal QC - Cabaret du Musse Juste Pour Rire
29 Boston MA - Paradise Rock Club
30 Philadelphia PA - Theatre of Living Arts (TLA)

JUNE

01 New York NY - Irving Plaza
02 Washington DC - 9.30 Club
03 Carrboro NC - Cat's Cradle
05 Atlanta GA - Smith's Olde Bar
07 New Orleans LA - One Eyed Jacks
09 Austin TX - The Parish
10 Dallas TX - Gypsy Tea Room
12 Denver CO - Larimer Lounge
13 Salt Lake City UT - Club Sound
15 Portland OR - Doug Fir Lounge
17 Seattle WA - Neumo's
19 San Francisco CA - Great American Music Hall
21 Hollywood CA - Avalon

Speaking of the Twilight Singers. In case you didn't notice, the new guitarist commented on this blog. Yes, that might be the highlight of my blogging career. Yes, I'm a nerd.

PLW, have you seen Slither yet? It satisfied that "monster matinee" jones I often have.

A few people have asked me if I have high hopes for the Cubs this season. My response: Glendon Rusch is our #2 pitcher. Glendon Rusch! That means no.

Finally saw Fever Pitch on HBO. Many people have suggested it because I'm a Cub fan and I guess I'm supposed to relate. You know what? It sucked! If I was a Red Sox fan I'd dislike that movie even more. First of all, the baseball aspect wasn't even used well enough to disguise the fact that it's really a chick flick. Second, that is not a die hard fan. That's a nut.

Finally it's that time again for the Long Beach Indy car race. This means a couple things for me this weekend. First of all, there will be absolutely no parking. Second, the race will be less than a mile from my apartment. You might be thinking that could be cool. Yeah, I'm real close to an Indy car race. My problem. Have you heard these cars. It's like the Swarm is buzzing my front door every five seconds. Third, there will be no parking.

You Can Trust Me...maybe.

I admit I lie sometimes. I admit that I sometimes have the smile where it looks like I'm up to no good. But, I think on the whole I'm honest and not that sneaky. Right? Then why won't Dom accept a fantasy baseball trade from me? I offered him 2B Marcus Giles and closer Chad Cordero for speedster Chone Figgins and closer Keith Foulke. I know I'm overpaying for steals. Bob knows I'm overpaying for steals. Does anyone think Foulke's 90 year old knees are going to hold up through the year, or even this month? When I told Bob that it was declined, he was confused as well. So, why did Dom decline? Apparently, I'm a sneaky bastard that is always trying to pull something over on people. It could be his baseball knowledge is inferior and he's afraid to let it show. (But that doesn't really add to the theme of this post.)

This is part of the internal conflict between Good Brad and Evil Brad. When I say "Evil Brad," I mean more in a rebellious cliche "bad boy" way than a keep me away from sharp instruments and puppies way.

Evil Brad has always existed. He would sneak a Pepsi late at night when everyone was asleep even though he had his parental designated limit of two for the day. He drove too fast on the three wheeler when he was on the other side of the lake and nobody could see him. Evil Brad would try to string together as many swear words as possible even though it ended up making no sense at all. Evil Brad would ask to borrow a step-uncle's recording of some crappy move knowing that Porky's was recorded on the tape as well. He would buy Boston's debut album and hide it in his dresser. Yes, I realize that last one is actually lame as well as evil. During those days and on into undergrad Evil Brad may have existed but nobody really saw his face. Good Brad easily dominated Evil Brad those years.

The last couple years of undergrad Evil Brad began to surface. It occurred because of the old familiar teen movie problem that "I was tired of being so nice." I was tired of being viewed as always the nice guy. It would still be a few years till nerds and nice guys actually became viewed as studs. That's when Evil Brad started to surface. Evil Brad became the shell to protect Good Brad. Because Good Brad couldn't say "no" to people, Evil Brad would show his face so people wouldn't ask in the first place. Rather than shy Good Brad sitting at a party looking like a recluse, Evil Brad would show he didn't care if he was talking to anyone or not. Good Brad still at that point controlled everything.

Now Evil Brad might have a little too much power. Evil Brad controls the tongue a little too much. Evil Brad has shortened Good Brad's tolerance of morons considerably. Evil Brad can really be a prick sometimes. Good Brad is still the core. I help my friends and family when they need it. I always over tip. I am still a nice guy. It's just the shell is maybe a little too thick. Now I'm seen as cold, a little sneaky, and sometimes mean towards those that irritate me. So maybe this whole Evil Brad shell has back fired a little. But could anyone have predicted that Emo and nerds would take over the world?

Perhaps the real problem is that Good Brad was never allowed to mature and grow. Maybe the real question is why I've associated Good with being a wuss. Clearly I have no idea where I'm going with this post. I just wanted to vent that Dom turned down two trades I offered, because he didn't trust me. Sorry I wasted your time.

Patches, feline. A cat barely alive...

Gentlemen, we can rebuild it. We have the technology. We have the capability to build the world's first bionic cat. Patches will be that man. Better than it was before. Better, stronger, faster. Well, except for the tail. We can't do shit about the tail

Browsing through my photos last night for a picture of Mandy as a tyke, I came across this photo misprint that I kept. The cat in the one half of the picture is Patches. Over the years, we had many animals pass through the hallowed Kessler halls. We had cats, dogs, a bunny, and the meanest parakeet this side of the Ohio River. You have to figure there's a reason a bird is named Nipper, and it's not a good reason. Back to Patches. I don't remember how we got Patches. We lived on a nice piece of land, so most likely Patches just let herself in the front door.

Patches wasn't the friendliest cat. Though, what she lacked in interspecies skills, she made for by being a bad ass cat. She sassed. She killed for us and left their tiny carcasses on our doorstep like sacrifices. While that not really cute, it was disgustingly endearing. She also climbed really tall ladders. That's where the ladder comes in. At least once a day she would climb that ladder to sleep up in the rafters. Yes, that's pretty tough for a cat. Along with toughness though comes stupidity as well. The stupidity was that she often slept in the fan area. You see where I'm going with this? Yes, one fateful night the fan was turned on with Patches sleeping. The next morning Anne Marie ( I think) found Patches lying at the bottom of the unfinished pool. So, not only did Patches get pureed by the fan, but she basically fell the full length of the ladder plus another six feet into the bottom of the pool.

Patches though would be rebuilt except for the tail. Does anyone know what happened to it. Ok, so she didn't become a bionic cat. It's still pretty amazing that she survived. She did have a slight limp, but she still brought sacrifices to the doorstep. She was still ornery.

Happy Birthday Amanda Michelle!

Another baseball season is upon us. Yes, this is one of my favorite times of the year. There is though another reason I love the beginning of April. Amanda Michelle Kessler was born on this day. The youngest sibling of us all. It seems just a little while ago I was giving you a ride on wobbly merry-go-round in a shirt from the Michael Jackson collection. Now you're 20 years old and finishing up your first year of undergrad. I don't know how you managed being the youngest of seven. Perhaps that's why you could always be found with your nose in a book. I remember you hiding when I wanted to take your picture. I remember the late nights watching TV, working on the computer, or just talking. I may have always been that last to go to bed, but you were always the second to last. I remember you hugging me when I first walked in that door at Maine. I thank you for trusting me enough to be a confidant. I thank you for being the first sibling to visit me in California. I thank you for our little IM conversations. You make work go that much faster. I thank you for wanting to be a Cubs fan. Most of all I thank you for being the best littlest sister anyone big brother could ever have. I love you Mandy, even more than baseball season.